Have a dressed up day!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

I'm Falling Without a Net

Jennifer has asked that we each share our hearts on how to love through the joys and struggles of marriage.

Ann has asked that we each share our hearts on how to practice love. 

I haven't taken much time for this blog lately but how can I ignore a season of love to write how I feel? And both these women give the opportunity to remember.

  And I'm already behind in my day and the sun is barely up so I search the archives. 

This post from almost two years ago.  I blinked twice at the date.  That long ago?  It can't be.  And time is a prayer being answered right before my eyes.  Just one hand to hold forever on this earth. 

He's Too Good To Me crosses the intersection on his green light and is hit hard. She tries to stop, he sees it all over her face, but there was nothing either could do.

It's after midnight days later as we pull into the hotel. I'm telling him about Natasha, how she needs a home in our country. How friends of ours would like to bring her home.

I tell him about Kristen and her trip to Africa. How she can't keep her stuff now and struggles daily with a heart breaking for what she knows. How she and her family are covering their refrigerator with Compassion children.

Is he listening? I'm not sure. He nods, agrees, nods some more here and there as I talk endlessly.  He says nothing. So much on his mind.

We walk around the car lot miles from our home and I hold my purse to me like it is gold. Hold it with both arms and clasped hands. There is cash inside an envelope. His truck was worth more to him than this, but we don't make the rules. I hold tightly and follow behind him.

We go eat breakfast to decide. We sit in a booth and hear a beautiful blessing from behind us.

We talk about mufflers and tires and how it needs a thousand dollars work. What a good truck it would be with the last thousand used for the work. I try to ask questions to help him decide. How I wish I knew something about this stuff so I could give useful advice. I feel helpless.

His jaw clenches and the little vein below his right eye is swollen- the way it does when he is thinking hard. Him thinking hard always means he is talking little.

And then he says it. He says what will make me cry.

I fall more - without a net . . .

When the man I love was young, barely eighteen but still eighteen, he made a bad decision. He chose to take what did not belong to him. He chose to steal. Felony. The word and the memory and the consequences have followed him to this day. The part of his life he chose to destroy God chose to use to make him a better man.

We can't take Natasha, this Natasha or any other like her. Orphans can't find their way into our family this way. We have a past.

But this man I love is beautiful.

And there are other ways. God always makes a way.

Our food comes. Hot toast, eggs, bacon, and grits. He takes my hand and thanks God. He asks for wisdom in this decision. He begs to stay in His will.

We eat while I feel helpless to decide and his jaw clenches.

I want to scream to everyone around me that he deserves more than what is in this envelope. That he deserves more of a truck than this is going to buy. That the callouses are from years and years of hard work. I want to scream that he doesn't have the motorcycle or the boat or the four wheeler. He just has four children and this wife he allows to stay home.

And then he says it. He says what will make me cry.

Rie, I know what to do. I'm going to buy the other truck and we are going to give the thousand dollars to help bring Natasha home.

The tears fall. They start so quickly and I take my orange juice and drink. I can't stop them. I can't speak. I drink juice again. I hope the burn of the acid in my throat will stop the tears.

He never says a word. He sits and lets me cry while the city of Amite eats breakfast all around us. Orders are shouted out and coffee is poured and I cry while he quietly waits.

I kiss him out of the corner of my mouth. I can't look at him. I'm falling love hard and I didn't think there was anywhere left to fall. There is no net and I fall deep into his love and if I look I won't be able to catch myself and I'm wondering how far can a woman fall for a man?

He was listening last night. He was listening as I rambled on about what was weighing my heart and as I desperately tried to get his mind off worry and make conversation for a two hour trip with a man that is sometimes content to be too quiet. A man that needs a work truck to feed his family and knows the cash in that envelope is not enough.

A man with concern. And God spoke and he listened and the worry flew like the wind.

The orange juice doesn't help and I take his hand and we walk out. I know his mind is made up and he will find a way to make it work and I proudly fall.

What we cannot do we can help others do. God spoke it to him and he listened. In spite of my noise he was quiet and heard the voice of God.

He is taking less to give more. This world screams move forward and my love chooses to go backwards as my love falls further.


Jennifer @ GettingDownWithJesus.com said...

Just quieted by this. So lovely. Really glad you've linked. You model love, God-love.

CynthiaJSwenson said...

Too precious! Love & prayers, in Jesus, Cynthia

Drawing of me losing my cool courtesy of budding artist, Izzy.

Have a dressed up day!

. . . put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Colossians 3:12