I told Sandra last night on the phone -
What if people think she doesn't love us - or worse - doesn't want us anymore?
What if they don't know that she stills comes over all the time? That she still hugs me and tells me she loves me? That she sends me messages like this one last night at 9:58 -
I love you mama, I'm going to sleep. Goodnight!
What if they think that because I lie awake at night struggling so hard with accepting and the giving of a gift that she now belongs to others?
What if they don't know that she is her daddy. Trusting, forgiving, accepting. Wonderful.
What if they don't know that she believes in me, even when I have no idea what I'm doing and she gets caught in the crossfire.
And she listens and loves me through the phone and she tells me - No matter what, I stand with you.
But right now I have no idea where to stand. I'm not all that great a choice right now.
And she loves me and baby girl loves me so why do I keep fighting tears? Because now I know so much more than I knew Saturday morning.
That so many others don't love me. Don't even like me. Nauseating?
I hide in the office in the dark so if someone sees the light they won't know I'm in there. I'm trying to figure out where I went so wrong and the Spirit tells me to be bold and I'm hiding and arguing that I think I'll be better off if I just always always stay so quiet.
And then I remember something I heard on tv just a few weeks ago. I scribbled it down on white space so I could remember it later -
and now it's later. It feels like forever since Saturday morning when I very gently hit the off button because I didn't know what to say, because I was at such a loss, because the pain was growing stronger by the second. Because I was beginning to believe what she was saying.
So I search and I read what I wrote on the white space-
my father says i am. i am capable, his child, accepted, i may not feel like it, you may not see it but my father says i am
Then I go to bed without that little pill to stop my tears and tell myself that tomorrow I will just put one foot in front of the other. And I know I'm wrong so often but I'll just keep putting that one foot in front of the other and reminding myself that the ones that love me are so much more than enough.
And I sing, you are my sunshine . . .