that would make my heart flutter with the idea of my baby having a baby.
But I decided to go with this instead. It was a coin flip. Tails won.
Dear newly pregnant Delia,
I'm still getting accustomed to the idea of being a grandmother. There are babies, children, teenagers, young adults, parents ...
I have mixed feelings about this.
In one corner I cannot wait to hold your baby just so I can give it back when it starts screaming or projects stinky formula across the room (you were too young to remember). But in the other corner, with the much larger more buffed opponent, I'm not very enthusiastic about becoming officially old. Because, as everyone knows, if you are a grandparent you are, officially, an old person.
So here is a list of a few things - some words of wisdom you should commit to memory and some
Bear with me.
I am in the process of creating a list of pleasantries for your child to call me. Nana is taken, so is Grandma (thanks be), which wouldn't be in the running anyway (refer back to the dirty word old) because it just sounds so ... OLD. Granna, which is absolutely adorable, is taken because apparently Tammy has put more thought into this than I have.
I like the following options. Please let me know which one you and Ruben like, although at my age I've earned the right to not select it.
1. Mamie (long a sound)
2. Mamsie (long a sound)
3. Zsa Zsa (might be the closest to glamorous I'll ever be)
3. Auntie (which I guess is out of the question)
5. Slim (which is currently my favorite)
And finally, simply put, never tell me I cannot say or give something to your child. It's a losing battle. Just ask Nana and Grandma. And soon to be Granna and Slim.
Now the advice, which has been earned the hard way, and is golden.
Turn up all the TV's, radios, and CD players in the house to full volume. Train your baby to sleep through anything. At first it may seem heavenly to have total quiet, but eventually nothing is worse than having to tip-toe during nap time, in fear that your angel will wake up the dreaded TOO EARLY.
Don't worry if you don't breast feed. Have no guilt my darlin'. To be honest, being the only one who can feed the baby is not all it's cracked up to be. But think carefully about this. You can always pump breast milk so Ruben can feed and bond with baby. You get to do this alone in a quiet room. Let's face it, no one wants to be in a room with a breast pumping hormonal mommy. And it could become your only down time. Think even more carefully, I did not breast feed. Refer back to my breasts in above cartoon.
Projectile spit-up cleans up easily with a magic eraser.
People who publish books about child rearing have probably broken their own rules often. Don't buy these books. Ask Granna or Slim.
Toys are nice. But nothing beats a good 'ole pot and spoon. Clean out at least one lower cabinet. Your baby will spend hours in there during which time you can pretend you are back in your newlywed days.
But don't ever sit down, because as soon as you do .... Never mind this one, I think I'll let you learn it the hard way.
Pacifiers are like crack to a baby. And you can find a dealer on every street corner, but you must buy up stock in the one your baby loves. He/she will want one in the mouth and one in each hand. And if the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, one stashed in the diaper. Take it from your daddy and me, finding a new one at three in the morning because just one has disappeared or baby has sucked a hole in a favorite is nearly impossible. Okay, it is completely impossible. The thumb is always an option, and according to the Jones' next door your child will need braces. So, go with the thumb. Trust me, go with the thumb.
Sleep is overrated. Sleep is overrated. Sleep is overrated. Say it often. You may begin to believe it. Or maybe not. But it doesn't hurt to try.
XOXO's are never optional.
And finally, and most importantly, cherish your tush the way it is now. Admire it often in the mirror. It will probably be a lot lower for the rest of your life.
And welcome, my beautiful Delia, to the world of stretch pants.
And just for the fun of it -