Hey, it's Shelby, Rie's daughter.
What makes you a woman?
This question has an obvious answer. What makes a woman’s body different from a man’s? We all know the answer to that question.
But when I ask myself, “What makes you a woman, Shelby?” I am not expecting the obvious answer. All throughout my life, I only wanted two things: a husband and children. Simple as that. I thought that this was what I was created for. My job in life was simple, become a loving and supportive wife to my husband, birth as many children as I could, and be a loving and supportive mother.
I still believe this is what I am supposed to do with my life, but now I am learning that it’s not going to happen when, or maybe how, I expected it to (the child bearing part that is). I'm accepting that I was created to accomplish other things in my journey as well. I am learning to go by God’s agenda and not my own - trying to at least. I am far from perfect, so I falter and fall into the “woe is me” attitude on occasion.
So, what makes me a woman?
First, I have to tell myself that I am not less of a woman for not having kids, biological or adoptive. Adopting a child is a perfect picture of selfless and complete LOVE, and I pray one day I can do it. Isn’t that what Jesus does? He doesn’t have to love and cherish us, but He chooses too. But that’s a whole different post.
Back to this one. - If you would have asked me a few weeks ago if I am less of a woman because I'm not a mother yet, I would have said yes. Isn’t that a horrible attitude to have? I thought I was failing at 50% of what I was made to do. Guy’s, that’s an F. I have only gotten one part right, having a husband. And, man oh man, did I do GREAT in that department. I need to give myself more credit, okay, I am at whatever gives me a C. So I am still passing and not failing at life. I can’t fail with God on my side though, and my husband does great at reminding me of that.
Loving husband is truly too good to me, as my mama would say my daddy is for her! I don’t deserve the love my husband gives me, or the patience, he loves me so well. I am so thankful and I don’t tell him enough!
So many people tell me, you’re still young or it will happen when it happens, just have patience. Yes, I am young, and yes, it will happen on God’s time and not my own. But do I listen with an open heart to all the people who are just trying to make me feel better and are speaking the Truth? Nope! I am listening with the attitude “you don’t know my life, stop making me try to feel better, it’s not working”. The loud voice in my head telling me that I am just a failure is too deafening to hear your kind words of encouragement, and also God’s.
That’s dangerous people, drowning out God’s voice.
Is there something (or lack of) in your life that’s making you feel
like a failure?
Let me back up a little bit. I married a wonderful man by the name of Joseph Hennessy on December 28, 2013, at the young age of 21. I would have started trying for babies as soon as possible if I had it my way. But I cherish the past 19 months I have had him all to myself. I don’t regret waiting.
I had been talking about starting for a family about 6 months into our marriage but we knew we weren’t ready. Joe had just graduated college, he was looking for a job, and we were not swimming in money!
On our one year anniversary Joe said he wanted to start trying. There are not even enough words to express my EXCITEMENT! In my head I had decided on a timeline. No birth control right that very moment, which the doctor said only takes about two weeks to get out of my system, and the first month I would be pregnant. That would put me popping out a baby in November (just in time for our 6 year dating anniversary). I just knew that since God put this overwhelming desire to be a mama in my heart that He would bless us with a child right away! Do you know what happens when you try to go by your timeline and not leave it up to God?
Disappointment, that’s what? That was my first mistake.
It was January 16th when my sister texted me. “I’m late…” I texted back that she needed to take a test. She assured me she would wait another week and then take one. Low and behold, 45 minutes later around 10 pm I hear a knock on my door. My music is loud and I am working on a cake, loving husband isn’t home, and its pouring rain outside. I open my door and there is my sister, cold and wet, shaking with nerves, holding up a positive pregnancy test. You see, Delia and Ruben were kinda trying since October but very content and positive that it would take a while (we are the opposite of each other, can you tell?)
I pulled her inside and tried to calm her nerves. I prayed over her and asked God to bring her peace and assurance that everything was happening according to His mighty plan, to let Him lead her, and for her to cast her worries upon Him.
She wouldn’t stop shaking. I couldn’t stop smiling.
I just cried out to the Lord to guide her though this and prayed she would lean on HIM.
I had another test so she took it and there was no mistake that she was pregnant.
She stayed over past midnight and we just chatted about the baby and the future, my cake sitting unfinished. I didn’t go to bed till after 2am finishing that rotten thing. Can’t tell you what it even looked like now, all I remember about that night was that I was going to be an aunt!
Maybe I will still have the nerve to pour out my heart!