I've really messed up. I can blame it on this medication taken for over a year that I think has completely zapped me of my creativity. Found out today it's even been called the dumb pill.
But, whatever the reason whatever the cause my writing on this white space has suffered from a bad case of nothing.
I know how angry I'm going to be with myself, when I cannot look back on the planning of this wedding and the announcement of another and the police being called on my baby boy and not remember. Though I doubt I'll forget the last one.
I'm going to be doing a little rewinding.
He's Too Good To Me has a remote control the girls gave him for Christmas a few years ago that cost sixty dollars. Be still my heart I remember thinking. A sixty dollar remote? But right now I'd pay whatever I could get my hands on for a remote that would rewind and fill this space for the last year.
So, I'm going to be doing a little rewinding.
Last night she stood in front of her daddy with the dress on. All the altering done and the last payment made and the first time he had seen. I felt his knee press against me a little bit but I dared not look his way. Everytime she puts it on I pinch the bridge of my nose to stop the tears. I tell them - Mamas just get teary sometimes, they don't have to have a reason. But there is a reason and it has wound itself around my heart. I know this is the beginning of a new life and a new relationship and I'm so proud of her and happy for her and I do remember how it feels and I wouldn't take that feeling from her for the world - breathe - but where did the days go?
So I'll be rewinding to catch back the last six months. Tomorrow it will be July and he'll be down on one knee. Travel back with me, okay? Hold my hand while I squeeze my nose - k?