Max is singing like he always is, he knows the words to all the songs.
And then I mess up an opportunity to teach when the wrong words just tumble out of my mouth and I know I'm not saying the right thing but I can't find the words to make him understand.
So I do the wrong thing. I say the wrong thing. I think I just told my son he'd never have enough faith to move a mountain.
Mommy, what do those words mean?
This is only a mountain
You don't have to find your way around it
Tell it to move
It'll move
Tell it to fall
It'll fall
I tried to explain about faith. How it doesn't take much faith, I skip the mustard seed part because I know he wouldn't get that, but then I'm saying there can be no doubt and I'm rambling and I see him in the mirror. He's looking at me. He's trusting me and believing with all that he is worth that he does have that much faith.
But if he doesn't - can I tell him how to get it?
He wants to move a mountain. And if all it takes is believing then he doesn't understand. Does God not believe that he believes? and for just a brief moment of taking my eyes off the road I see in his eyes that he thinks he can tell a mountain to move and it will. Because he loves Jesus and believes it will move.
And I'm grasping for words and then I tell him he'll probably never have enough faith to really make a mountain move because we can never erase that little doubt in our minds that we can't really make a mountain move and I know that's not right but maybe it will work and that's not really what Jesus meant when he talked of the faith of the disciples in that verse and I'm rambling and falling deeper and deeper and pulling him into a pit of confusion.
Not just confusion - but I see it - a moment in his eyes of questioning. Just a moment of maybe, maybe every thing he believes is not real. Did Jesus tell him something wrong? Doesn't it say it in the Bible?
Oh boy, I just told my son he'd never have enough faith to move a mountain and he's only six and he can't separate literal from implied. I remember less than a week ago I discovered during a lesson of the globe that he didn't know - he didn't know - that Bethlehem was a real place on our Earth. I never imagined he would think that.
What is he thinking now when I just told him he can't move a mountain and the Bible says he can?
He doesn't understand that God lowers himself to us and speaks to us in ways that we can understand. Just as I am trying to speak to Max in the way his limited intellect can understand, that is how my Father speaks His Word to me.
Jesus does not mean that mustard seed sized faith can literally move mountains. His expression was just a metaphor describing what we think is an impossible task.
But I can't say it right and he turns his head and is no longer singing the song but looking out the window and I just lost him. He doesn't want to listen anymore. I just lost that moment.
But I can't say it right and he turns his head and is no longer singing the song but looking out the window and I just lost him. He doesn't want to listen anymore. I just lost that moment.
Superman can fly and Spiderman can climb buildings and Jesus is supposed to be real and bigger and didn't Jesus say it?
So I backtrack. I look at him in the mirror and tell him it's hard to understand but
yes, yes he can tell a mountain to move and it will move from here to there if he has enough faith.
He looks at me again.
How much faif does it take, Mommy?
And I smile at him in the mirror. And he looks out the window again.
But I see it - just a hint of a little smile on his face reflecting on the glass.
And I shut up. Because to a six year old life really isn't that complicated. And faith is big.
