I do not like to consider myself a quitter. But right now I'm really considering quitting and that makes me think I'm just one wonky decision away from being on God's bad side.
Don't we just think crazy when we aren't really thinking? We are just reacting.
What's wrong with me? And maybe you?
I'm sitting here wondering if maybe I should have tried harder? Maybe I should stay longer?
Aren't you loyal? I ask myself.
People who draw lines in the sand are not liked. People who say I'm done and walk away are looked at by the ones who say Should have put me in their shoes, I would have done that differently as quitters.
I'm feeling like everything gentle and Christ-like in me is being strangled as I struggle to know what to do.
I've poured an endless amount of energy into a bottomless pit and is the Spirit keeping me in place for reasons unclear to me or am I a coward? Or would it truthfully be very brave?
And I want to walk away gracefully. I don't want to answer questions or give reasons. Or make excuses for my behavior because telling the truth would be like pulling out my bow and firing parting shots.
I told my girls in this post that when you are hurt and look back on it one day in the future, the only thing that will matter is how you acted. Did you keep your dignity and self-respect and walk away or did you stake your reputation on validation? Are you proud of yourself or does your soul burn with shame at the memory?
I find myself praying often that God will remove a certain weakness from me. Paul prayed three times for a thorn in his flesh to be removed before he wrote that this handicap was a gift. That a messenger of Satan was sent to harass him. But just as Jesus has the keys to hell he overrules Satan's trickery and in God's master plan we are made perfect - in our weakness. God grants me this gift to keep me in constant touch with my limitations.
For when we rely on our strength we always end up brought to our knees. But aren't our knees a great place to be when we fail? Just another twist God gives us in all His goodness.
A friend told me yesterday that when it is very hard, when it seems like I'm jumping off a bridge, that it is probably God. And this is very hard, and I really have nothing much to fall back on except sheer obedience to God. But oh, praise God, that is all I need.
So right now I'm pausing and listening for an at-ease command or my marching orders.
And God has promised me in His word that His grace is sufficient for me. That when I am weak He is strong. And I am so weak. I don't want a self-help book to find my strengths. Just let me be weak. Let God be magnified in the sheer fact that I don't know what I am doing.