when you don't know how to bury the man that gave you life

I look around my house and it is a mess.  The wedding boxes are all out and at their correct locations but the very small Christmas we had is scattered.  Laundry is spilling over.  The sink is full of dishes.  The counter is full of papers.  Trash and mess are on things under things and around things.

 

I don't care.

 

One of my first blog posts was an attempt at humor and what I would do if something tragic happened and my house was a mess.

 

And it has.

 

And I don't care.

 

My daddy's gone. 

 

The day before he died he told my sister he'd been dreading this day for so long.  Leaving Mama.  Dying hard.  He told her where the money was to buy the gun he wanted to give his grandsons.  He shook their hands and mumbled words full of love.

 

He high-fived our baby Beau. 

 

He told my girls to take care of their mama.  He told me Max was smart and not to let him waste it.

 

He listened with closed eyes as we told him we loved him.  We told him we adored him and were proud to be his daughters.  We told him he was the best daddy there ever was.

 

He waited on the daughter not there.  Her and her's.  His first-born trying to wrap up things that needed to be done while she hoped and prayed she'd see her daddy again.  He listened to her words over the phone and held on until Mama told him not to any longer.

 

My mama lay by my Daddy's side and whispered words we could not hear.  Sweet nothins' he'd probably call them.  Love words.  Good-bye words. But only for a little while words.

 

The strawberry shake he wanted sat melting until my sister picked it up, drank, and passed it around.  We all shared that shake as we sat by his side and touched whatever part of his body we could reach.

 

When I got in trouble at school about the Indian chief named Bowels he laughed. He had snakes in his belly button and warned me not to swallow watermelon seeds and pushed the mower up the hills I couldn't. 

 

When I cried about the orange house paint that wasn't and never would be he told me people don't always say what they mean and never mean everything they say.

 

I can't go to bed.  If I do I'll have to get up and go bury the man who gave life to me when he held my mama and loved her the way a man was made to love a woman. 

 

I just care about figuring out how to bury my daddy tomorrow.  How to hold up my mama when all I want to do is fall.  How to get my bluebird through her wedding day without her Pete-pa.

 

How to understand God's timing.  How to thank God enough for allowing my Daddy to go easily and quickly.  How to understand not understanding it all.

 

I thought I'd care if my house was a mess and people stopped by.

 

But I don't.

 

I really don't.

 

 

when it is right but feels like rain

The hail back in April gives us a new roof.  I lie in bed and listen to this rain that is deep in such a short time and remember the moment I first held you in my arms.  Deep can happen quickly and drowning in sweet newborn love gives you no way back and no way out.

And it had happened before and would happen again. 

You send phone writing to a beloved older friend and leave off the Ms.  Is that what happens when leaving home forever is only days away and you are growing to love someone more than the ones you are leaving behind?  I can't remember.  Did I feel older and equal and love stronger for what was coming than for what was going? 

I roll over and look at him and yes I did.

So you feel happy and grown and strong and only slightly frightened.  But one day you'll feel small and afraid and think this is not right. 

And when that happens know that you do not need a yellow brick road to find your way back home.  To me. 

So I can send you back and tell you it is only for a moment - so you can love him more than me.

when it's just time to exercise a little faith

So we are driving to Sunday School, just Maxster and me, when the song This is Only a Mountain by Jason Castro comes on the radio.

Max is singing like he always is, he knows the words to all the songs.

And then I mess up an opportunity to teach when the wrong words just tumble out of my mouth and I know I'm not saying the right thing but I can't find the words to make him understand.

So I do the wrong thing.  I say the wrong thing.  I think I just told my son he'd never have enough faith to move a mountain.

Mommy, what do those words mean?

This is only a mountain

You don't have to find your way around it

Tell it to move

It'll move

Tell it to fall

It'll fall 

 

I tried to explain about faith.  How it doesn't take much faith, I skip the mustard seed part because I know he wouldn't get that,  but then I'm saying there can be no doubt and I'm rambling and  I see him in the mirror. He's looking at me.  He's trusting me and believing with all that he is worth that he does have that much faith. 

 

But if he doesn't - can I tell him how to get it? 

 

He wants to move a mountain.  And if all it takes is believing then he doesn't understand.  Does God not believe that he believes?  and for just a brief moment of taking my eyes off the road I see in his eyes that he thinks he can tell a mountain to move and it will.  Because he loves Jesus and believes it will move.

 

And I'm grasping for words and then I tell him he'll probably never have enough faith to really make a mountain move because we can never erase that little doubt in our minds that we can't really make a mountain move and I know that's not right but maybe it will work and that's not really what Jesus meant when he talked of the faith of the disciples in that verse and I'm rambling and falling deeper and deeper and pulling him into a pit of confusion.

 

Not just confusion - but I see it - a moment in his eyes of questioning.  Just a moment of maybe, maybe every thing he believes is not real.  Did Jesus tell him something wrong?  Doesn't it say it in the Bible?

 

Oh boy, I just told my son he'd never have enough faith to move a mountain and he's only six and he can't separate literal from implied.  I remember less than a week ago I discovered during a lesson of the globe that he didn't know - he didn't know - that Bethlehem was a real place on our Earth.  I never imagined he would think that. 

 

What is he thinking now when I just told him he can't move a mountain and the Bible says he can?

 

He doesn't understand that God lowers himself to us and speaks to us in ways that we can understand.  Just as I am trying to speak to Max in the way his limited intellect can understand, that is how my Father speaks His Word to me.

 

Jesus does not mean that mustard seed sized faith can literally move mountains.  His expression was just a metaphor describing what we think is an impossible task.

But I can't say it right and he turns his head and is no longer singing the song but looking out the window and I just lost him.  He doesn't want to listen anymore.  I just lost that moment.

 

Superman can fly and Spiderman can climb buildings and Jesus is supposed to be real and bigger and didn't Jesus say it?

 

So I backtrack.  I look at him in the mirror and tell him it's hard to understand but 

 

yes, yes he can tell a mountain to move and it will move from here to there if he has enough faith.   

 

He looks at me again.

 

How much faif does it take, Mommy?

 

And I smile at him in the mirror.  And he looks out the window again. 

 

But I see it -  just a hint of a little smile on his face reflecting on the glass. 

 

And I shut up.  Because to a six year old life really isn't that complicated.  And faith is big.  

when i'm not exactly sure what happened

Shelby Lee - what's that you hung on your window?  That's U.G.L.Y.

 

(it's private y'all, but I don't ever want to forget it!)

 

 

when it takes eight ingredients to love like God

We're lying in the bed and Maxster says this - hands flying around counting on his fingers -

Mommy, God told me how to love like him.

 

He did.  How?

 

It takes vese ingredients.  Big hope, little hope, big faif, little faif, big love, little love -

 

Wait.  If you're going to love like God why are you saying little love?  God has only big, big, love.

 

No, he has just big love.  But ven when you add a little love wiv it and mix it up it makes it even bigger.  Get it, Mommy?

 

I say Got it as I watch him stir and demonstrate with lots of hand gestures.

 

So, big love and little love, big hope, little hope, big faif, little faif, and ven iron and Jesus.  Ven you smash it all togever.  I'm not sure why the iron but I vink you pobably need it.

 

 

So, He supplies all the big love and all we need to add to it is just a little - just a little love.  World, all the work has been done, all we need is just a little love - just a little.  We can do that, can't we?

 

He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them.  And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 18:2-4

when everything they say makes you smile

We walk in the post office and Maxster says -

I haven't been in the post office in years and years.



when it was only twenty-four hours later

God loves each of us as if there were only one of us.  ~ Augustine

Isn't it something when God shows off?

 

Congratulations, Bluebird.

 

But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. Psalms 86:15

 

when the perfect home is the grace that is the palm of God's hand

I'm sorry you didn't get what you wanted.

I wanted it for you, too.  I thought it was perfect for you.  I had no concerns or hesitations about it.

I could have written these same words for your sister that was Sycamore Cove.  She's had disappointment, too.  She spoke wise words to you last night when she said it will not matter where you are, you'll be happy because you will be with Joe.  Yep, she went and grew up on us. 

But even now I'm thinking it would have been great for you and Satan stuck his ugly evil face in it and ruined it for you.  Thousands of years ago he slithered his ugly evil being in and ruined this for you.

 

Maybe he did.  I think probably so.  But what do I know?  Not much, baby.

So, every time you don't get what you desire - what seems to be perfect for you - does that mean it wasn't God's will for you in the first place?

I don't think so, Bluebird.

 

Sadly, I don't think so.

God does not will for us to sin but we do anyway.  We were never created to be sinners, but we are. 

So, no, just because you didn't get it doesn't mean it's necessarily God's will for you not to.

Which brings us to the worst part of all - anything in our life that is out of God's will - either by our design or not at all because of us, just the results of a sinful world.

This is when the great big marvelous God of the universe and God of you reaches into what could be considered a great big marvelous bag of goodies and pulls out Plan B - which He will redeem by grace for you as if it was Plan A in the first place.

This I know firsthand.  You know what happened to us eight years ago.  I still don't think that was God's will - to destroy what I still believe was a beautiful fellowship - but just look what God has given us, especially your daddy, in return.  Beautiful. 

One of the greatest Bible promises is this:

“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28

You can trust God to use this.  And I can promise you from experience that sometimes the end result can be so beautiful that you will then wonder if God must have planned the original event that led you to where you are. 

Was it God’s will that you didn’t get that house? I don’t know.

Maybe it wasn’t really as good a house as it appeared.

Maybe God saved you from a disaster you’ll never know about.

Maybe God has a better house in mind.

 

Maybe it is God's perfect will for the people that did get it. 

Maybe it would have been a great house and the devil stuck his evil face into it and now you are here. 

Here in this perfect place that is the palm of God's hand and you will wait and trust for the good work that He will create for you. 

Last night I told you to believe this was God's will.  I lied to try and make you feel better.  And this morning and every morning till I die I won't know if it was or wasn't.  And we may never know why it happened this way.  So go ahead and cry and pout some and be angry and cry some more.  It'll make you feel better - just like you said last night.

Then do your best to forget about it, which will take time, and make what will become yours the perfect home for you and Joe.

God's already promised his help - take Him up on it. 
And p.s. - I'm sorry I can't fix it.

 

So Maxster and I are reading a child's version of Gulliver's Travels. 

As he is finishing the first page, Gulliver mentions that he is from England.

So, Maxster says -

Mommy, I should do a English voice.

I agree, so he starts over at the beginning.

And this is what he says -

Chapter Uno

Yep, still love that boy.

when there is so much more to celebrate than just years

Mama stood Daddy up on their first date.  She didn't want to, but they had no phones so she couldn't contact him that she'd be going home for the weekend.

But on their next date they drove from Carthage to Kosciusko to get a Coke.

Then there was a ring in tiny box under car seat and my daddy said to my mama -

 

If I bought you a ring would you wear it?

That was over fifty years ago.

To be quite honest, I've been praying my daddy would live to see this 50th anniversary celebration my sisters and I had to keep secret because they didn't want a fuss.

That he would live to see fifty years with his Tot. 

And God is good.

It could only stay a secret for so long - 'cause Mama would have been angry with us if she had not been given an opportunity to have her hair done.

So we celebrated my mama and my daddy.

We celebrated obstacles and hurts and happiness and crazy life and near death and years of barely getting by that they conquered to stand aged and worn and tired and beautiful together. 

To my darlins and lovely nieces and nephews -

Grandma and Petepa have not always had an easy time of it - as most couples can say after fifty years - life has given them some hard blows and challenging times.  But they are together now to see and hear the beautiful and hilarious HeeHaw tribute from all of you because they never gave up on each other and their love.  They fought to obey God's word and stay together. 

And their prayer for each of you is that you find the same happiness and have the same strength to bear life with only one person by your side.

Our family is on a near impossible streak, and to be honest again it would be a miracle for all thirteen of you to not have one broken marriage that cannot be humanly repaired. 

But miracles happen every day. 

Giving your grandparents up one day will be hard for each of you.  But on the day that you gave them the beautiful gift of laughter and honor -

you can know that each of you have made them proud and created for them a legacy of love.

All of you have made the long drive from Carthage to Kosciusko to get a Coke so much more than just worthwhile. 

Happy Anniversary Mama and Daddy, James and Martha, Pete and Tee-Texas-Tot.

 

I love you.

 

We all love you.