Have a dressed up day!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Anticipating . . .

I feel like I just bathed in mud. My tears mixed with the dirt of me.

The house is empty so I go shower but don't ask the usual question. Today my prayers are all about me. Begging and bargaining to not go back to that place seventeen years ago. To that panic.

How many more bad days before a good one? Maybe as many as I wallow in? I loathe self-pity but can't seem to escape it. People are hurting, sick. People are killing babies while my baby sister cries herself to sleep wanting one. Loss of jobs, fear of loss of jobs, cancer taking children, hunger.

And I'm sad. Here with my lovely life I can't seem to escape this sadness.

At one point so much salt water mixes with pure till there is no seperation and I demand an answer.

What is wrong with me?

Why can't I hear you?

Where is my rescue?

Aren't you coming?

I stare at myself in the mirror, a sun-burnt face from a fair missing fair weather.  I close my eyes and pray for that beauty.  That beauty called grace.  A shower of grace.

A wash from heaven. 

It will come.  It always does.  He doesn't move and in my stumbling I will soon find.  He will draw me and woo me and I will find Him.

Maybe this season will continue, maybe nothing will change but the wash of grace. 

But that will change everything.

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16


Jennifer said...

As I read this, it sounded so familiar that it could have come from my own fingers (except that you are much more eloquent). Then I got to the end and the only thing I could think of was the song that we have been learning in choir the last couple of weeks ... Holy Spirit, Rain Down ...
... O Comforter and Friend, How we need Your touch again ... Let Your power fall, let Your voice be heard, Come and change our hearts as we stand on Your Word.

My prayer for you, and for myself, is that we stand on His Word and wait for His power to fall on us!

Lisa notes... said...

"A wash from Heaven"

If we hear you wanting that, I know He hears it even louder. I love the sound of it. "The shower of grace."

I'm been thinking a whole lot about God's gifts of grace lately, and how we can't predict them, but they always show up. Praying they show up as a prettily-wrapped surprise package for you soon...

Thanks for your beautiful prose that reads like poetry. Many of us know the feelings you are expressing.

Drawing of me losing my cool courtesy of budding artist, Izzy.

Have a dressed up day!

. . . put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Colossians 3:12