I remember the day I made the decision to graduate him early.
He was flying through kindergarten work. Reading second grade readers fairly well and bored with his workbooks.
I logically told myself if I graduate him early then I can take two years to complete first grade, or a grade later on that he might struggle with.
Made sense. Still does.
They would pledge and count by fives and tens and recite Psalm 23 and a poem and answer interview questions and sing and change their tassels and throw up their caps.
I truly enjoyed the planning - even when I was complaining about it.
And the day drew nearer.
Izzy and I took him downtown and she took photos. I knew what I wanted and argued with her that we did not need balloons. She had a plan and stood her ground as the photographer and we bought balloons.
The balloon photos - they are my favorite.
Izzy, you were right. Forgive me. But I'll do it again. Sorry in advance.
Mom bought him a new sportscoat and I searched for the perfect yellow tie and Delia used the blow dryer on his hair.
And the day was here.
And it was a wonderful time with family and friends. I don't think it could have gone any better. Happy children and proud parents and love all around. He spoke clearly and loudly and smiled till his cheeks had to hurt.
And I faked it - that this moment was what I really wanted. 'Cause what I wanted was when he couldn't say popsicle or when he called his milk no-no.
I smiled large and shed tears at the right moment in the slideshow and nodded to all the compliments on his behalf. But deep down in the pit of my stomach I knew something. I knew I wasn't sure that this was the right decision. I wanted to pull him onto my lap and tell everyone I had made a mistake and we could all go home now. We'd do this again next year - when it would be the right time.
And you know faking it till you make it? What we mamas do sometimes - when we often want to give up and more often want to hide and we feel the need to scream - but we don't, we just fake it till we make it through that moment?
I faked it and I made it. And later that night I watched him sleep. Him lying there in just his briefs cause that's what big boys do and cuddling three blue dogs now, the third with a cap and tassel on. I realized I had let my mind wander from the beauty of the moment. That I was thinking too much of what there is to lose instead of the abundant joy of what is here now.
Yeah, well, I'll do that again, too. I apologize to myself in advance.