Have a dressed up day!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I'm standing at the bathroom sink, white knuckled hands gripping the edge, sobbing.  The water is running to drown out my sound and I watch as my tears join the water swirling down the drain. 

They are so easy to wash away, they fall and disappear but the pain remains.

It's been a bad morning.  I stare at myself in the mirror, desperately seeking to forgive and find forgiveness, needing grace to flow over me.  I am angry and disappointed.  Which more? I don't know.  I am looking for this joy in life I am striving to be aware of each day.  Where is it today? 

I cannot see it.  It is out of my reach.

I have become what I would never be.

My hair falls in my face and my eyes burn but that is not why I cannot see.  I cannot see because I am not worthy.  I cannot see because of blue eyes and tiny fingers gripping and why can't I just accept?

Composure is forced.  A smile is weak as I drive to where I need to be.

Don't take it out.  Don't take it out on the darlins' in the back seat.

We drive up at the same time.  She looks lovely today with her hair growing long and her new blouse on.  I notice right away, maybe it's the sun.

I made you something, she begins. 

She doesn't know I can still feel the sting of tears and the anger and shame. 

Don't take it out, I think again.

I had lost it but then I found it, she continues.

And there it is in her hand.  A snow white hand towel she monogrammed with Rie's Kitchen and an ice cream cone.

I am immediately struck with the knowledge of the thought put into this gift.  It is my colors.  The colors of my life - which are the colors of my home.  Teal, brown, apple green, orange. . . an accent of red.

It is me and she knows it.  It is why she chose it.

She left nothing out.  There is love.

I can barely say thank you because of the threat of the tears. I don't even know if I did.

I sit inside and think, maybe I have not become what I did not want.

She sees something.  She has chosen me to be her friend.  It is a privilege.  She does not choose lightly - this I know.

She has chosen me and God has chosen her and this moment for her to find it and gift it to me.

This moment she does not know would matter so.  The snow white of it, the colors of it, the thought.  The greatness in something so small and simple.

Without touching this cloth to my face it has dried my tears and there are no more today.

I hang it here.

Out of reach of the grime. 

Next to this . . .

and down from this . . .

Reminders of my daily filth and breath of promises to my soul.

Promises my Savior added to today with the gift and the giver.

Donna and the towel that is snow white - except for her color.


rutledgeramblings said...

You have such a beautiful gift with words. You write where we can feel each emotion with you. I am sorry you had such a rough day yesterday. Thank the Lord for the friends He places in our paths. Know that you are loved! Blessings!

Penny said...

I'm thankful that someone was there to cheer you yesterday. Love you.

Jennifer said...

This really makes me think about all the times that I have thought about sending a card, or giving a gift, but out of fear of someone not understanding or busyness or whatever excuse works for the moment I fail. How many times have I missed being that person that God intended to touch someone else at just the right moment in their lives? It makes me sad to think about that.

I hope today is a better day! I'm praying for you!

KTElltt said...

So sweet. I love how God allows our friends to show us His love. I feel so out of touch -- I have been sick and our internet connection has been messed up. I'm sorry to hear of your struggle but genuinely hope that through it you get to see that it's not Marie God sees but Jesus in Marie. I think we're all so far from what we want to be, but God allows us to be something better through him. I'm just so glad that on a day when that truth was far from you, Donna was there to remind you...

Rie said...

I know what you mean, Jennifer. Out of all the thinking yesterday pressed upon me, that fact was not neglected to me.

I need to do better, because you are right - we never know.

Greg and Donna said...

Well, now I am crying. I hadn't read this earlier and Greg sent me in here to read it. I have waited and prayed for 4 1/2 LONG years for a friend and the Lord gave you to me! After reading the post and what you told me yesterday, I feel that I was meant to "lose" it and then find it. I made it for you 4 months ago. Its funny about the colors...I was trying to remember all the colors I had seen in your kitchen, I'm glad I got them right!

I love you too! Thanks for being my friend and for listening all the times I unloaded on you. Your family is very special to us! Gonna miss you! See you in two weeks!

Drawing of me losing my cool courtesy of budding artist, Izzy.

Have a dressed up day!

. . . put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Colossians 3:12