I saw her shoes first. She was walking towards me as I was looking down at my belly button swelling thru my shirt.
Is Gregg with you? She wants to see you both together. How quickly can he get here?
The space between the skull and the developing brain is too large is about all I remember. She spoke maybe centimeters? and how many times they had measured and tried to explain to me what I really wasn't even listening to. Was she trying to tell me that my baby's brain had stopped developing?
It was Friday afternoon and we'd have to wait until Monday morning to see a specialist. There wasn't anything that could be done and we would just have to wait.
There wasn't anything that could be done.
I don't remember much about the weekend. I remember we told everyone and
I'm sure I cried and watched the clock and most certainly questioned.
And I'm sure I agreed to try to accept God's will within the very moments I was pleading for my baby.
But there is something I do remember. I remember bargaining. As if the almighty omnipotent God of all would need anything from me. What did I have to give that would be worth His miracle of healing my baby?
There is no bargaining with God. For we don't have to. We do not have to convince God that if He does for us we will do for Him. The parameters have already been set - and not by you or me. In His covenants God told us what He would do for us and then told us what we would do for Him.
Because by no comparison He is the greater of the two and His love is the stronger of the two. All comes from the Father above. And the strength and power that we have been given has been granted unto us for the reason of love.
He loves us.
And within that love lies mercy.
But I still remember bargaining. And I remember exactly what I promised God for the healing of my son.
Make him whole, Lord. Make him whole and I promise...
I don't know if within His great unlimited mercy and grace God changed His mind about Max but I do know God performed a miracle on my son. When new tests were taken Monday morning the measurements were perfect. His brain was exactly as it should be. To be honest I'm not even exactly sure what happened, those days were an emotional fog. But we left the doctor's office on Monday morning with all assurance that our baby was healthy and strong.
For a very long time I chose to believe that Max was healed. And I still do. Miracle. For without a doubt our God cannot be controlled or manipulated or even convinced, but I do believe His heart is tender toward us.
But it doesn't even really matter. God placed before us the situation in such a way as though it would happen. What was important was how we responded. We prayed and the situation changed. But none of God's plans changed. If by our prayer God showed mercy and granted this blessing unto us all we did was catch up to His future.
That was not the only time we have been given what seems like more than we can bear to overcome. Within the last two weeks I found myself begging and asking for acceptance and even bargaining again for my oldest daughter. And we had to wait the weekend again, and then another week. And there seemed very little doubt what we would be told.
And once again mercy was granted and I choose to believe the gift of healing. We believe we dodge bullets when we are really showered by grace.
Thank you, God, for your unchanging steadfastness and your love and mercy. Thank you, God, for healing and for sickness and pain. Grant to me the wisdom to recognize the power of you in all that is.
I'm not going to write here what I promised God on that weekend in the fall of 2006. But I think of it often and try to act on it.
Is it necessary? No.
But do I want to do it? Yes.
Max's life had been planned. God knew we would pray and He would bless us for that prayer.