It was late summer early fall 2006 and some of the happiest days of my life. I was carrying a son, a dream I had given up on years earlier when I thought we'd never be brave enough to try for another child.
We were blessed beyond any form of our worth with three beautiful girls and my years were over forty and much time had passed since we made the unspoken bond of no more children by not speaking of it any longer.
There are some things that are very hard to explain. And the fear is if you try you might sound somewhat extravagant. Or like a dreamer. Or just plain foolish.
But on a night earlier we were side by side when I laughed loud and told him we just made a baby. I knew it. I felt it. I can't explain it. I said it but how does a woman know such a thing at such a time?
But I did.
And I was right.
And weeks passed and he came home as I walked out of the laundry room and right into his arms and cried and there were only three words -
And I said words that were too honest when I wondered aloud why would God give us another child? I didn't want another baby or need another baby and why would I be pregnant unless He was giving us a son? Why would I be pregnant if it were a girl?
Some things will shame us till the day we die.
And I didn't realize how badly I wanted a boy until the thought that I might not have one.
But I was afraid to say the words too loudly or too often.
And on a table too short in cold dark room I held his hand and watched only him. And there it was. Wand moved and fingers touched keys and I saw it on his face before she spoke the words.
It's a boy.
But I already knew for his smile started slowly and he saw and looked at me in a way he had never looked at me before.
And there was little morning sickness and few headaches and he was much easier to carry than my loves before him.
She explained all the complications and risks and I prayed a promise that it wouldn't matter because it wouldn't and I passed all the tests.
And life was really good and I felt strong.
And on most days he went with me because he liked the dark room where he sat holding my hand month after month watching his son grow.
But on this day I was alone when she stroked too many keys and moved wand too much and didn't speak at all. And she left the room and came back with another who sat at machine and pressed buttons. And it was colder than usual.
And I said it again because maybe she didn't hear me -
Is something wrong?
I'm just getting some numbers . . .