Earlier this evening I watched them both out of the corner of my eye in the dark.
Their feet were kicked up on the chairs in front of them.
They are listening to these words of saying yes to God.
It's late now and I'm thinking of them. I know they are both asleep in their beds. Let them rest, Father. Comfort and peace and faith to them give.
It will be alright, my darlin' brave girl. Time will not fly, but it will pass and this will all be a memory. He will be safe - and back in your arms soon.
And Shelby is sunshine and her body hurts and I ask you Lord to give us some answers soon. May you know, Bluebird, that there will be more good days than bad. I promise. And you were wrong tonight when you said you did it for you and not for Jesus. Why do you think you strive to smile and do good? Why do you think you feel it is important to make others see that in you? Because you want them to see Jesus - that is why. It does not have to be a conscious thought for you at all times for it to be true. You are living love even if you don't see it.
It is not wrong for me to miss the days of caressing their faces, the days that we laughed together and spent more time playing outside or crafting than we did math.
It is not wrong for me to miss the days that it was me they enjoyed passing their days with, filling their time with. That we stayed up late and slept in every morning. That while other kids were sitting at their desks they were sitting with me, on the sofa or in the kitchen - Delia on the counter, Shelby on the fridge.
My mind knowing a little more english and a lot more math would be a good thing - but my heart knowing a little more of them was a great thing.
My heart has always swollen for my children. I am not ashamed to say they have consumed my days and nights. That holding them and watching them grow and letting them go has been the greatest thing I have ever done.
Do they know how many moments I spent at the glass door watching them play? Do they know how many moments I spend now listening for their cars to drive up and their steps through the door?
Do they know one of the greatest yeses of my life was when I acknowledged God's plan for me and came home. When I realized that not all mothers had the same plan. That this one was mine. And it was not better or more right - it was just mine.
And I could walk away then from all I thought I wanted because all I really wanted waited at home.
My girls - don't wrestle so much with where you are right now. This place in your life now serves a purpose - as the next time will. Live it to its fullest and learn and grow and ask God to reveal to you what He is attempting to teach. You both may be surprised.