Wednesday, April 29, 2020
So there's a virus. A quarantine and shelter in place.
Things feel weird. Off. I've been weird.
I am missing my daddy terribly lately. I think of him so often. If he were here I'd confide all my hidden thoughts and secrets because he'd know what to say. Or maybe not. But he'd hug me close, even though he wasn't a huger. I can literally feel his hands.
Ask Daddy, he'll know what to do.
Funny, y'all say the same thing about your daddy.
I had a dream last night, which is pretty much what prompted this post, along with a FB post from Tracey yesterday- which could be what prompted the dream.
In my dream I was a teenager, maybe 16, and I was lost. You know how nightmares are- they circle and are dark and usually make little sense. This was like that. There were winding long stairs and my mama was climbing them, she was big like a giant- tall and large. She was coming to my room and I was circling everywhere looking and calling for Daddy. My hair was long, down to my feet. I was really small. It was my room but I was lost in a forest.
Then I was instantly on a ferris wheel ride, filled with people from my past. I got off and turned back to see big steel bars clamping on another me till it enclosed me completely with only my large frightened eyes showing as the seat swung away.
That's it. That's all I remember. Enough, huh? I could easily interpret this dream, but I won’t get into that. Y’all know.
On FB yesterday a friend posted about our senior year in high school and the paint/float parties. I was never allowed to go to any of those, except one. I went to one in September of my senior year. I remember being miserable and leaving early and crying myself to sleep that night- which wasn't new. I probably cried myself to sleep nine nights out of every ten that entire year. I felt very much like an old person. Don't get that confused with an old soul. When someone is referred to as an old soul it usually means they are wise beyond their years. That was not me. I felt tired, sad, longing for something out of reach. Hopeless, helpless, and lost.
When I was in high school there were things I needed from my daddy that I didn't get. Oh, he was a good man- the best. But I think he was as lost as I was about how to help me. I waited everyday thinking he'd scoop me up and fix all my problems but he never did.
So, my senior year I left high school after the first semester and started college in January. I had big dreams and such high hopes. I remember thinking all my problems would soon be fixed. But, of course, they weren't. They were actually just getting started.
So, my girls. Y'all know I lived a very different life than you three have lived.
Reckless, desperate, searching. Many, many wrong decisions. So much y'all don't know.
I did, and still do, bombard you with so-called 'help'. I've tried to be honest with you and protect you while still letting you sink in the deep-end if that is what you've needed- pulling you up at what feels like your last breath. So very grateful your deep ends were not like mine.
I drowned more than a time or two.
I've tried to shield you from nightmares.
2020 has brought great joy and great sadness so far. Much laughter and many tears. Just like every year. But it feels different. I feel different. Is the air charged with this virus? Am I experiencing a mid-life crisis? Do I still grieve? Will I ever be able to put a haunting past behind me? What would my daddy say?
Bear with me right now, ok? Overlook my moods. Ignore my snapping. Disregard my tears- they aren't you. May is coming- sunny days are hopefully here and maybe I'll snap out of it.
That's what Daddy would probably say. He'd probably tell me to just snap out of it- and follow it with tall tales of long snowy winters, cracks in the floor of the house, and eating shoe leather.