Sex on Saturdays - Who Comes First

Sex on Saturdays - Let's Talk
Sex on Saturdays - Ladies, Don't Withhold
Sex on Satudays - Tell Him

Be sure to read the three posts above to catch up.
I want to thank my husband and family for their wonderful support.  I did not need another reason to fall deeper in love with He's Too Good To Me, but he gave me one with how he supported me in this.

Some other people - not so much.  Even though I'm not through with this, I'm ending it anyway.  Maybe y'all should rethink your words about my bravery?

I'm going to leave you with one last thing to ponder. 

What came first - the chicken or the egg?

The chicken, of course.  

It's not philosophy, or science, or any of that stuff people's minds can linger on.  It's just simply a God thing.  How He created and how He intended it to be.

So . . .

Who comes first - your husband or your children?

The correct answer is not hard.  It's just that most of us are doing it wrong.  Think about it - it's a God thing.

"I am my lovers.
I'm all he wants.  I'm all the world to him!
Come, dear lover -
let's tramp through the countryside.
Let's sleep at some wayside inn,
then rise early and listen to bird-song.
Let's look for wildflowers in bloom,
blackberry bushes blossoming white,
fruit trees festooned
with cascading flowers.
And there I'll give myself to you,
my love to your love!"
Song of Solomon 7:10-13 - The Message

Go have some sweet sex on Saturday with your husband. It's a God thing.

Sex on Saturdays - Tell Him

Sex on Saturdays - Let's Talk
Sex on Saturdays - Ladies, Don't Withhold

Before we start this week's, let's clear something up from last week.  When I posted last week I asked He's Too Good To Me to read it and give some insight. 

Later that night while lying in bed after some sweet sex on Saturday (I highly recommend it), I was able to pry more info out of him. He is never sleepy afterwards and will talk more intimately with me then. He again agreed with what I had written - but then there was a "but. . ."

Yes, he explained, men feel empowered with frequent sex.  Six months without sex within marriage would unravel him.  But then came the but . . .

He would rather endure no sex than sex with me if I was only doing it to empower him to be a better man.  This had never entered my mind, that he thought like this.  He continued - sex is love, and even though it makes him better in life, just as I wrote about here, he informed me any real man wants love with his sex.  Then my husband made his next comment, and it's a biggie, it went something like this - a man needs to know his woman is enjoying herself.  This is when sex becomes making love.

That's a big but. Ladies, your husband wants you to enjoy yourself.  Remember last week when I said we'd talk about what is hot sex to a man? Top of the list - knowing their wife is enjoying herself.  That's hot to him. That turns him on and makes him try even harder - which is good, because . . .

Most of the responsibility of a woman enjoying herself sexually falls upon the man.  But like a lot of things in a woman's life, we make the first move and take the first step and make sure what should happen is happening.  What does this mean?  It means the next big step - communication. 

If your sex life is lacking then it's past time to communicate. This is not easy. Almost guaranteed is embarrassment and worse, hurt feelings. But it's still a necessary step.

If you are not enjoying sex - why?  There are the physical reasons and I'm not a doctor and really cannot address those here.  But I have experienced them.  At that time in my life these reasons became my excuses to withhold.

My physical problems were due to a common complaint after pregnancy which leads to a lack of desire.  This happened after all four of my pregnancies.  I had no sex drive.  Luckily, after watching my husband become increasingly restless and realizing the importance of sex in my marriage, I took the steps to fix it.  All we needed was my effort to ask my doctor some questions and take her advice.  Ladies, please make the effort. 

If it is a true physical problem and we don't try to fix it, our reason has then become an excuse.  Reasons become excuses when we are selfish and won't make the effort to solve the problem. Then we are in the wrong. Ouch. What follows is resentment that can grow and grow until a small fixable issue has become the downfall of your relationship.

But sometimes you are desperately in love with your husband but you are just simply not enjoying yourself and you do not want to do it again - thus, no sex drive.  In regards to sex, this has never been an issue in our marriage, but I know women who struggle with this.  Your husband is not trying or does not know how to please you -but you can help fix this.  Talk to him.

Divorce hovered over my marriage; papers were filed and the only thing missing was one signature. He's Too Good To Me's tenacity, me teaching him what I needed from him emotionally in the issues that were pulling us apart, and learning to understand him is what saved our marriage.  In desperation we finally communicated. 

You must teach your husband what you want.  Going straight from bed to between our legs is a big no-no.  Most men know this, but remember, they are not thinking with their brains at this point, so have you told or reminded him lately?  Work together.  Light a candle, read a how-to book (I'm not kidding), experiment, laugh.  Gently express with words how you want him to tenderly kiss you and touch you and speak to you until you become aroused, for however long that takes.

"Your lips are like a scarlet thread, and your mouth is lovely . . .
Your neck is like the tower of David built with rows of stones. . .
Your two breasts are like two fawns,
twins of a gazelle which feed among the lilies.

You will not arouse or awaken my love until she pleases." - Song of Soloman

And guess what?  Before you know it you'll be back into the hang of sex and all will be well.  You'll even want a quickie sometimes and won't need all that attention.  But when you do need it he will know what to do.

This very real physical problem of no sex drive can also be caused by mental or emotional issues and all of this sounds good unless you are in that place.  You are so hurt and angered by your husband for whatever reason that sex is no longer in the picture.  You are done, you are finished, the idea of making love to him causes you to cringe.  I have been there.  But I know from experience and two seperations that there is always hope.   I am praying for you, personally, whoever you are.

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12

So, all this past week we worked to stop withholding.  This week, as we continue to work on that, let's add communication.  Tell him what you want to experience in bed.  Tell him how you want him to make love to you.  Go ahead, do it.  Blushing is allowed.

Leave a comment - we could all use them.  They can be anonymous, or I can make them anonymous if you'd like.

Sex on Saturdays - Ladies, Don't Withhold

Hey friends from Getting Down With Jesus -

I did this Sex on Saturdays series a couple of years ago.  Instead of reposting it all, I've just linked you back to the page.

It took bravery - but I'm glad I did it.  I hope you are, too.

If you want to read them all, just click on the label at the end of this post.

Okay - here goes nothing - or everything.

It took me a long time to get up the nerve to blog about this subject.  It's taboo among women in some circles and I don't know what circle all of you are in. This first one's also kinda long - there's that intoduction stuff.  It'll get better so bear with me if you can. 

Know that I have been praying about this, and praying for months now for the women that will read it.  To get started, it's only fair to say that when He's Too Good To Me and I were struggling with this area in our lives I'm not sure that any amount of advice from anyone would have helped me.  I cried alot, and prayed.  Prayers like, "Help me, help me, help me."  I didn't have the words or energy to pray much else. 

It's a wonderful thing we don't have to tell God what to do, we can believe he knows and shares our pain, and that words like help me go as far as any other words. 

If you are struggling with this area of life, and nothing I or anyone else says helps, or if for many reasons you can't act on anyone's advice, then I pray God's comfort and peace gives you the energy to not give up.  There is hope, always.

Why is it, ladies, before we get married we can't keep our hands off our guy and our minds out of the gutter?  We want to kiss, touch, and let our minds and bodies wander to the danger zone.  Rebellion, that's why.  Our sinful nature to rebel against God and the sins of the flesh.  Our sinful desire was to be physical.

We get married, wake up one normal day, and suddenly we have to make ourselves make love.  We have many excuses for it, but it is still rebellion.  Rebelling against God's plan is what we do best; and after marriage it will manifest itself in the sinful desire to withhold.  

It's common knowledge men have sex on the brain more than women, but just because this is true does not give us permission to use "not tonight" as a form of punishment, or to withhold for whatever reason. Withholding is not always mean-spirited, but it can be.  Some excuses we label "reasons" - and we'll discuss that later. 

I love to talk.  When He's Too Good To Me comes home I could sit and talk about my day for an hour, at least.  I enjoy it, it's how I communicate my need for him, and it's a stress reliever.  Most of the time he politely obliges, sometimes even enjoying it. 

How would I feel if he ignored me or made me feel like he was doing me a "favor" by listening?  Hurt, that's how I'd feel - unloved and unwanted.  Are our men so different?

Girls, your guy is wired for sex as enjoyment.  Sex is his stress reliever.  And, most importantly, sex is how he communicates his need for you.

Within a year of our marriage it was in trouble.  Deep trouble.  Sinking fast and both of us were too young and, more importantly, out of God's will, to know how to save it.

My knight in shining armor was battling inner demons that appeared to be winning.  My answer - none for you tonight, buddy.  Here's your pillow and blanket and there's the sofa - better yet, there's the road.  I had unrealistic expectations about marriage and had placed a burden on my husband - the burden of my happiness.  I was selfish, I was no good to him, and I did not understand and did not try to.  He was letting me down and that was all I cared about.

I withheld sex.  I might as well have withheld his oxygen. I had a plan.  It did not work.  My twisted idea that he would give me what I wanted if I withheld what he wanted proved itself warped.  For years.  Years that he and I can never get back. 

Women want a healthy, happy, and fullfilling relationship. 

Men want an active sex life.  They have desires, just like us.  Just different desires.  They are not from a different planet - but withhold sex and they feel we do not love them.  They become unhealthy, unhappy, and unfullfilled.  And so do we. 

But, like I said, withholding isn't always mean-spirited.  Yes, it's reasonable that we are tired, have mommy stuff on the brain (and good mommys don't lust? yeah right, we'll talk about that one), warm up slowly, and have physical problems. 

We're also gonna talk about men wanting not only frequent sex, but passionate sex.  What exactly is hot sex?

Deciding to improve your sex life is not just another burden or add-on to your already full to-do list.  It's marriage salvation.  It's biblical and was created to be enjoyed. 

"Kiss me - full on the mouth!  Yes!  For your love is better than wine, headier than your aromatic oils.  The syllables of your name murmur like a meadow brook."  Song of Solomon 1:1-3

That's the woman talking to her man.  Sex is a good thing and our bodies are wired to enjoy it also - when we turn our minds off.  So - enjoy it.  Unlock its potential in your marriage. If it is broken it is time to fix it.  If it is not, then celebrate it.

See 'ya next Saturday.  In the meantime, don't withhold.  See what happens.  

To read more, click on the label below.

Sex on Saturdays - Let's Talk

Sex on Saturdays.  Wanta' talk about sex?  So do I.

Some Saturdays between now and Valentine's Day (unless I'm not in the mood or have a headache) I'll discuss sex within marriage.  I'm aware this might make some of you uncomfortable, but if you hold your breath and jump in feet first I promise you'll warm up quickly.

I'm going to want comments - which, of course, can be anonymous.  What's a discussion without, you know, a discussion.  And a guest blogger would be awesome.  Any takers?

God had a plan from the beginning and in that plan he created intimacy between man and wife.  And wives, listen closely - if your husband "ain't getting none" - you are the one being short-changed.

He cannot, will not, and won't ever be his best without sex.  Your man will be less than his best in all areas of his life - from a husband, to a father, to a breadwinner, to a friend - mostly yours.  He cannot be on top (pardon the pun) when one of the things created for him to make him feel like an empowered man has been taken away or diminished.

There are many reasons for sex to be low on the totem pole of "till death do us part."  Lack of desire in females (mostly), children, tiredness, letting ourselves go, resentments, lack of romance, etc.  But the main reason in an otherwise good marriage - lack of effort.

My man is a good man who knows how to treat me right.  But it wasn't always so.  We had our ups and downs (where are these coming from?  I promise they are not intentional), with blame on both sides.  I'll share the story of my blame on Saturday.  It was a crazy analyzation with twisted results.

In the meantime, ponder this.

Proverbs 30:18-19

"There are three things that amaze me—
no, four things that I don’t understand:
how an eagle glides through the sky,
how a snake slithers on a rock,
how a ship navigates the ocean,
how a man loves a woman."