when the world hits hard

My friend writes beautiful truthful godly words here.

Highly recommended reading when the world hits hard.

when I don't know what I am doing

I do not like to consider myself a quitter. But right now I'm really considering quitting and that makes me think I'm just one wonky decision away from being on God's bad side.

Don't we just think crazy when we aren't really thinking?  We are just reacting.  

What's wrong with me?  And maybe you?

I'm sitting here wondering if maybe I should have tried harder? Maybe I should stay longer?

Aren't you loyal?  I ask myself.

People who draw lines in the sand are not liked.  People who say I'm done and walk away are looked at by the ones who say Should have put me in their shoes, I would have done that differently as quitters.

I'm feeling like everything gentle and Christ-like in me is being strangled as I struggle to know what to do.

I've poured an endless amount of energy into a bottomless pit and is the Spirit keeping me in place for reasons unclear to me or am I a coward?  Or would it truthfully be very brave?

And I want to walk away gracefully.  I don't want to answer questions or give reasons.  Or make excuses for my behavior because telling the truth would be like pulling out my bow and firing parting shots.

I told my girls in this post  that when you are hurt and look back on it one day in the future, the only thing that will matter is how you acted.  Did you keep your dignity and self-respect and walk away or did you stake your reputation on validation?  Are you proud of yourself or does your soul burn with shame at the memory?

I find myself praying often that God will remove a certain weakness from me.  Paul prayed three times for a thorn in his flesh to be removed before he wrote that this handicap was a gift. That a messenger of Satan was sent to harass him.  But just as Jesus has the keys to hell he overrules Satan's trickery and in God's master plan we are made perfect - in our weakness.   God grants me this gift to keep me in constant touch with my limitations.

For when we rely on our strength we always end up brought to our knees.  But aren't our knees a great place to be when we fail? Just another twist God gives us in all His goodness.

A friend told me yesterday that when it is very hard, when it seems like I'm jumping off a bridge, that it is probably God.   And this is very hard, and I really have nothing much to fall back on except sheer obedience to God.  But oh, praise God, that is all I need.

So right now I'm pausing and listening for an at-ease command or my marching orders.

And God has promised me in His word that His grace is sufficient for me.  That when I am weak He is strong.  And I am so weak.  I don't want a self-help book to find my strengths.  Just let me be weak.  Let God be magnified in the sheer fact that I don't know what I am doing. 

when you are doing fine, my child

And sometimes dissatisfaction in your life is overwhelming.  Wondering if you are walking closely enough, doing enough, being enough.   Many of these feelings are truths of the Holy Spirit leading you to be the man Christ wants you to be.  Which is the man you are searching to be? Yes.

Which is why you confide in me that you are not feeling worthy, not feeling enough.

You've been a Christian for years now.  You may not remember it but when you were ten you marched yourself right up to me in Vacation Bible School and proclaimed you were born saved.  You had a huge grin on your little face.  You were proud, yes you were.

I prayed for you then.  I prayed your joy in Christ would not be lost as you grew.  I prayed it wouldn't take you long to realize no one is born saved.

And I don't think it did.

But what about that hot topic - joy and contentment?  You don't want these thoughts to steal your joy but what if they are meant to steal your contentment?

Because, my sweet, we can get too content.

Contentment can be a lovely place to be.  Books have always been written teaching us to be thankful in all circumstances and to be grateful even for our difficulties.

God's word breathes often of contentment.  Paul declared -

For I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.  I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound.  In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.  

Philippians 4:11-12

to the Thessalonians he urged -

give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 

1 Thessalonians 5:18

to the Philippians -

Rejoice in the Lord always.
 Philippians 4:4

But should we always be content as if it's a life rope thrown to a dying Christian?  I don't think so. All situations we find ourselves in are not of God's will.  Some are due to a sinful, fallen world.  But just as Christ looked into history and saw your face as He was being crucified proclaiming he's mine He gave Paul the powerful words to teach us to be peaceful in times of suffering and discontent.

But often discontent is a life-force given from God to reveal to us we need to make a change.

That we are falling short of our potential. We have gotten comfortable in shoes instead of bared our feet to be washed by the hands of Christ.  We are living this world instead of dying to Christ.

Thomas Edison said discontent is the first necessity of progress.  

And discontentment can be redemptive.

God never intended for the Israelites to be content in Egypt.

Men have pieced  together the writings of Paul's prison epistles and it is known he spent two years in Caesarea confined to Herod's palace.  Imprisoned there and unable to leave he appealed his case over and over to Caesar.

While there his joy in Christ led him to write the words Rejoice in the Lord always but he was not content to be undone and his work stalled in that place.

So you are feeling a little undone.  Hang onto your joy but ask for guidance and cry Help me, Lord more often than not.  

And again, if you could visually see Christ or audibly hear His voice He might just say to you - you are doing fine, my child. 

But not because you are walking closely enough, doing enough, or being enough.

Only because of  love.  

Because we will never be worthy.  But never stop trying.

Because feeling undone in this world is to see the face of Christ.

So be peaceful. 

But never be satisfied. 

when we remember to be free

We are no longer slaves to problems, but instead are freed by His promises.

 

 

For all the promises of God find their Yes in Him. That is why it is through Him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory. 2 Corinthians 1:20

 

 

And we no longer live on a teetering edge, bound by fear, desperate for hope. We live our lives on the solid Rock-

 

rooted and built up in Him and established in the faith, just as we were taught, abounding in thanksgiving. Colossians 2:7

 

 

when you feel yourself slipping

Her name was Patty and she was my best friend. 

She had a kind of clown trailer in her backyard that her daddy rode on for parades, and when she and I pleaded hard enough he let us play in it.  He wore a funny hat with tassels hanging and did charity work and Patty won beauty pageants and wore white go-go boots. 

 

She had hair one would describe as raven black.  She could twirl a baton and dance and had cases of trophies and tiaras and wore real diamond earrings and won a car before she could drive. 

 

Her teeth were perfect and she never wore braces.  

 

Her bedroom furniture was a matching suite and her room was pink with a double canopy bed and ruffled everywhere.  A large pink stuffed snake she had won wrapped itself around the post of her bed and I thought she was the luckiest girl in the world. 

 

She was kind and shy and didn't sit with the popular girls. 

I had mousy brown hair that hung straight and limp and a huge gap between my front teeth.  I wore glasses and Steve Finnegan always called me four eyes.  I wore whatever shoes Howards had the cheapest and one day when I was at school my mama covered the walls of my bedroom in green ships.

 

 I never owned a pair of boots until I was grown. I've still never owned a pair of white go-go boots-

 

But there's always tomorrow.

Patty and I were a pair.  Someone should have written a book about us.

And when we were nine years old she accepted Christ as her Savior and Lord.  It was bible school 1974 and she whispered in my ear that she was scared and took my hand and we walked that long aisle together, holding hands.  I did what she did.  I prayed after Brother Benton and answered the questions right and we were baptized together one right after the other in the same water.  She went first.

Watching her life it seems and always seemed obvious she knew what she was doing that summer of '74.  But I was just there to hold her hand.

And I never seemed to know what I was doing.  I rarely did the right thing because I never searched to do the right thing.  I just acted on feelings.  I followed desires instead of a heart that was flooded with the love of Jesus.

And it wasn't until thirteen years later that I surrendered a lost life to a One and Only Savior.

And I don't want to be a mere believer of Christ, as if I'm believing in a fairy tale or myth of old.  Showing no more proof of my love and loyalty than a babe nursing.  A babe who would take of any substance offered to remove pangs of hunger or fear or death.

 

I don't want to walk everyday surrounded by barren land while I live under the guise of grace.  For God has poured His salvation onto my life and I have lived in the sheer goodness of God.  Forgiving.  Saving me from judgment of death.  Eternal hell.  Loving me for who I am.  Not who I was or can be.  But for who I am now.
 

And does my life show proof of fruit sprouting up from life watered with the Word?  For my Heavenly Father does not miss anything and knows if I'm staying the course or if I'm spending each day with back turned to Him.  If I'm just living on His promises with no work in the field. 

 

And a life walking away from my Father instead of toward Him is a life of crucifying Him again and again and bringing shame to the only One that gives me life.  My life eternal.  My hope and my peace. The One who loves me with an uncomprehendable love. 

 

Do I think of these things each day?  Am I drowning in an ocean of selfishness? 

Don't let me slip into a world that is bored with you, Father.

Do I remember that Christ won't allow Himself to be crucified again and again by the ones who have seen and felt and tasted and know the truth?

Do I remember fields with nothing to harvest will be burned?

Father, don't let me be content in talking about what team won the game or new recipes or my problems or the world's problems.  Let me long for you and your Word.  Don't let me move or even drift. Take away my contentment and confidence and replace it with urgency of judgment and fear of you for myself and an unsaved world. Let me remember each day how much you love me.

Soften my heart.  Don't let me neglect.  Don't let me rest.
Amen.

sharing with http://jenniferdukeslee.com/tellhisstory-what-you-need-to-know-about-yourself-when-you-think-youre-a-loser/

when it's just time to exercise a little faith

So we are driving to Sunday School, just Maxster and me, when the song This is Only a Mountain by Jason Castro comes on the radio.

Max is singing like he always is, he knows the words to all the songs.

And then I mess up an opportunity to teach when the wrong words just tumble out of my mouth and I know I'm not saying the right thing but I can't find the words to make him understand.

So I do the wrong thing.  I say the wrong thing.  I think I just told my son he'd never have enough faith to move a mountain.

Mommy, what do those words mean?

This is only a mountain

You don't have to find your way around it

Tell it to move

It'll move

Tell it to fall

It'll fall 

 

I tried to explain about faith.  How it doesn't take much faith, I skip the mustard seed part because I know he wouldn't get that,  but then I'm saying there can be no doubt and I'm rambling and  I see him in the mirror. He's looking at me.  He's trusting me and believing with all that he is worth that he does have that much faith. 

 

But if he doesn't - can I tell him how to get it? 

 

He wants to move a mountain.  And if all it takes is believing then he doesn't understand.  Does God not believe that he believes?  and for just a brief moment of taking my eyes off the road I see in his eyes that he thinks he can tell a mountain to move and it will.  Because he loves Jesus and believes it will move.

 

And I'm grasping for words and then I tell him he'll probably never have enough faith to really make a mountain move because we can never erase that little doubt in our minds that we can't really make a mountain move and I know that's not right but maybe it will work and that's not really what Jesus meant when he talked of the faith of the disciples in that verse and I'm rambling and falling deeper and deeper and pulling him into a pit of confusion.

 

Not just confusion - but I see it - a moment in his eyes of questioning.  Just a moment of maybe, maybe every thing he believes is not real.  Did Jesus tell him something wrong?  Doesn't it say it in the Bible?

 

Oh boy, I just told my son he'd never have enough faith to move a mountain and he's only six and he can't separate literal from implied.  I remember less than a week ago I discovered during a lesson of the globe that he didn't know - he didn't know - that Bethlehem was a real place on our Earth.  I never imagined he would think that. 

 

What is he thinking now when I just told him he can't move a mountain and the Bible says he can?

 

He doesn't understand that God lowers himself to us and speaks to us in ways that we can understand.  Just as I am trying to speak to Max in the way his limited intellect can understand, that is how my Father speaks His Word to me.

 

Jesus does not mean that mustard seed sized faith can literally move mountains.  His expression was just a metaphor describing what we think is an impossible task.

But I can't say it right and he turns his head and is no longer singing the song but looking out the window and I just lost him.  He doesn't want to listen anymore.  I just lost that moment.

 

Superman can fly and Spiderman can climb buildings and Jesus is supposed to be real and bigger and didn't Jesus say it?

 

So I backtrack.  I look at him in the mirror and tell him it's hard to understand but 

 

yes, yes he can tell a mountain to move and it will move from here to there if he has enough faith.   

 

He looks at me again.

 

How much faif does it take, Mommy?

 

And I smile at him in the mirror.  And he looks out the window again. 

 

But I see it -  just a hint of a little smile on his face reflecting on the glass. 

 

And I shut up.  Because to a six year old life really isn't that complicated.  And faith is big.  

Because God Does Whatever He Pleases

continued from yesterday

I saw her shoes first.  She was walking towards me as I was looking down at my belly button swelling thru my shirt. 

Is Gregg with you?  She wants to see you both together.  How quickly can he get here?

The space between the skull and the developing brain is too large is about all I remember.  She spoke maybe centimeters?  and how many times they had measured and  tried to explain to me what I really wasn't even listening to. Was she trying to tell me that my baby's brain had stopped developing? 

It was Friday afternoon and we'd have to wait until Monday morning to see a specialist. There wasn't anything that could be done and we would just have to wait.

There wasn't anything that could be done.

I don't remember much about the weekend.  I remember we told everyone and asked begged for prayer.

I'm sure I cried and watched the clock and most certainly questioned.

And I'm sure I agreed to try to accept God's will within the very moments I was pleading for my baby.

But there is something I do remember.  I remember bargaining.  As if the almighty omnipotent God of all would need anything from me.  What did I have to give that would be worth His miracle of healing my baby? 

There is no bargaining with God.  For we don't have to.  We do not have to convince God that if He does for us we will do for Him.  The parameters have already been set - and not by you or me.  In His covenants God told us what He would do for us and then told us what we would do for Him.

Because by no comparison He is the greater of the two and His love is the stronger of the two.  All comes from the Father above. And the strength and power that we have been given has been granted unto us for the reason of love.

He loves us.

And within that love lies mercy. 

But I still remember bargaining.  And I remember exactly what I promised God for the healing of my son.

Make him whole, Lord.  Make him whole and I promise...

I don't know if within His great unlimited mercy and grace God changed His mind about Max but I do know God performed a miracle on my son.   When new tests were taken Monday morning the measurements were perfect.  His brain was exactly as it should be.  To be honest I'm not even exactly sure what happened, those days were an emotional fog.  But we left the doctor's office on Monday morning with all assurance that our baby was healthy and strong. 

For a very long time I chose to believe that Max was healed.  And I still do.  Miracle.  For without a doubt our God cannot be controlled or manipulated or even convinced,  but I do believe His heart is tender toward us. 

But it doesn't even really matter.  God placed before us the situation in such a way as though it would happen.  What was important was how we responded.  We prayed and the situation changed.  But none of God's plans changed.  If by our prayer God showed mercy and granted this blessing unto us all we did was catch up to His future.

That was not the only time we have been given what seems like more than we can bear to overcome. Within the last two weeks I found myself begging and asking for acceptance and even bargaining again for my oldest daughter. And we had to wait the weekend again, and then another week. And there seemed very little doubt what we would be told.

And once again mercy was granted and I choose to believe the gift of healing.  We believe we dodge bullets when we are really showered by grace.

Thank you, God, for your unchanging steadfastness and your love and mercy.  Thank you, God, for healing and for sickness and pain.  Grant to me the wisdom to recognize the power of you in all that is.
   

I'm not going to write here what I promised God on that weekend in the fall of 2006.  But I think of it often and try to act on it. 

Is it necessary?  No.  

But do I want to do it?  Yes.

Max's life had been planned. God knew we would pray and He would bless us for that prayer.

Our God is in heaven; he does whatever pleases him.  Psalm 115:3

Fragile

I thought it was morning and I had slept through the alarm and baby beau was here. 

When I heard the music of the phone it took me waking seconds to realize it was her song.  And there it was - in only the time it takes a heart to beat or a breath to leave - that knowledge.  That fear.  It comes so quick and it has come so often it surprises me that it startles anew each time.  But it does.  Startles me into awareness of fragile things. 

Her number was above 400 and I remain calm and we talk each other through a few moments while we wait for it to come down.
 

Can I tell you a secret? 

 

I used to practice staying calm.  When I was alone I would practice words out loud.  Rehearse the words that would assure her while I was near to a panic but practice out loud so she wouldn't see.

But I don't think it worked. 

I think she saw and sees through me.

It seems silly.  To practice staying calm. To sit in bed at night and practice words out loud because that was the only time quiet all day and I couldn't sleep anyway.

And I sit here tonight watching the clock tick time away.  Four more minutes before I can call again for the third fifteen minutes and see what sugar is.  Sugar.  What a strange word for what could take my child any day at any time.

 

Bring it down Jesus bring it down Jesus bring it down Jesus.

Two more minutes.

One more minute.

There's a little hole in the wall at the children's clinic.  Not very big, just big enough for a phone on a tiny shelf and a seat for mamas whose knees aren't holding.  He took me to it and told me to call her daddy so he could come.  And holding that phone, wetness between the receiver and my face, I said the word for the first time. 

And that began what was another first day of the rest of my life.

I just waited an extra four minutes.  Made myself keep typing while eyes kept shifting to that little clock at the corner of the screen and made myself believe she had fallen asleep and that is why her song wasn't playing.

And she had.  Number now 385 an hour later and why does it take so long to come down? 

I tell her I love her and she says I love you, Mama.  Instinct causes my other hand to reach for my phone as if I could touch her face through it.  Shouldn't a mama's touch heal?

I hang up and there it is.  That nagging little thought I fight to pray aside. 

 

Don't let it go too low Jesus don't let it go too low Jesus don't let it go too low Jesus.

Now I'll go to bed and resist the urge to call several more times and sleepless nights were easier when her head lay only feet from mine.

Thank you, Jesus, that she calls.  Thank you that she still needs me.  Thank you that I could call my mama right now if I needed to.  Thank you for each day of the last fourteen years and for the gift that is Delia.  I realize it.  I recognize it. And I thank you.

In Which A Stranger Brings Me Grace

Yes - each time I notice it when I don't hold it together.

I notice it in a messy home.

I notice it in a laundry room overflowing and a van needing to be cleaned out and plants dying on the front porch.

It's in a kitchen not stocked and a child not being schooled and a husband not being loved.

It's everywhere when I don't hold it together.

 Children fight instead of play and love and even the dog lies lonely in the corner and I lie awake in the dark and despair.

It's everywhere when I don't hold it together.  Cause when Mama doesn't function the world seems to stop spinning order and just slings chaos.  I see the way they look at one another and hear the whispers so why doesn't someone just come on out and say -

Mama's not holding it together.

It's falling apart.  That's what it is.  And it's everywhere when I have days that I feel shook up.  Like a syndrome that shatters.

Like a three day migraine but this is the fourth day of not holding it together and where is a migraine when you need one?  I could count it as excuse but excuse is only that I'm refusing grace and accepting despair tied in a knotted black ribbon.

I'm late for the Pooh movie - cause I forgot the Pooh movie - the only one I wanted to see in the summer showings. When I come in Sandra has bought my tickets and saved my seats and listens when I complain before I ever even say hello.  Maybe I never said hello?

And then a stranger shows me grace and I don't even think she knew it or intended it but just like I used the buttons on his shirt for an impromtu math lesson my gentle Father uses this stranger to remind me that He catches every fall - every one.

I place my order in the drive-thru and she tells me $9.79 and I have a five and three ones and a dollar in change.  And no card.  I'm looking for my card and Izzy's digging for change and I'm looking for my card - the one I still can't find - and I'm remembering that I read somewhere, can't remember where, that only amateurs rush.  I remember hating that when I read it and I'm looking and thinking only amateurs rush when she rolls her eyes and asks me

Is that nine dollars?

Yes, but I'm trying to find my card.

Here. Just take it. Nine's fine.

There was no smile from her, no poor lady she's having a really bad day look on her face. No sympathy - just move the line along.

And I take the bag and wonder if I'll make it home before I cry cause my darlins' will think there's something wrong and there is something wrong but not what they'll think.

Cause now it's shame.  Because it is grace that is everywhere and my Father has a way out all around me and just like Elijah when touched by an angel God shows me that he indeed does care about my struggles and loves me deeply.  He loves me and He is saying she's having a bad day and He whispers a sweet love story to me.

And I listen.  And I ask for courage and faith.  And maybe just a little bit of that sweet life in the hundred acre woods?

And I think I heard my Father say -

Soon, it's coming soon, my child.

Love in every Language

Hey, It's Shelby! Never done this before but I am gonna give it a try!

Love

Amor

El amor

Lubov'

       Of course we all know the first word, but do you recognize any of the others? These are all words for "love" in Portuguese, Spanish, and Russian! This one word is known all over the world, some choose to show it while others don't.

Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life...

Psalm 23:6

Our God loves with a love that we will never comprehend. His love is remarkable and unfailing! I fail God more times in a day than I can count, but even so He never stops loving me. His love reaches to every corner of the world, no one goes without His Love but many never realize they are loved by Him.

Is it not our job to shine His light and spread His love? We all have our differences, none of us are the same but we are supposed to "love our neighbor as we love ourselves..." Leviticus 19:18

In our thinking, acting, and feeling toward other people and God must be done in Love, any of these not done in Love is sin. Even when God punishes us it is done in love.

It breaks my heart knowing that some people will never know God's love, some people will go their entire lives thinking that the world has abandoned them and cares nothing for them. As Christians it is our job to love, we are capable to love because we are filled with God's love!

I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. Ezekiel 36:26

Some people in our lives will be a little difficult to love, I know because I have dealt with it. We are able to push aside our feelings and shine His light and love if we only let Him take control of our situations. He wants to be in the center of our lives, He wants to fill us with a new heart that is capable to overcome our feelings and love with a love like His.

Have you ever sat and looked at young children playing with each other and wonder how they can get along with kids of all shapes, colors, and sizes? It is because they have not yet been shown the hatred that can fill our hearts. Children love without thinking, how amazing would that be? To love without thinking of their religion, ethnicity, family etc.

This week is VBS at our church! I love this week, it is filled with excitement and joy. Knowing that there are children all over our church that come from different kinds of backgrounds and homes but learning about ONE thing! Our God and His amazing POWER! Adults and youth are taking time out of their week to be there and show God's love to these children. Children that they have never met and may never seen again.

We need to walk in our daily lives shining HIS LOVE, not caring about what other people think, only what our heavenly Father thinks! Taking time out of our day to reach out to other people who may just need a little love, God's kind of love.

Christians from all over in Portugal, Spain, Russia, etc all worship ONE GOD, the God who loves us all unconditionally without fail. Even though we are all different we all need to strive for one thing! Loving others and showing what God can do for you! How God can change the lives of others through you, and just think that all of this can happen when you let God pour His love into you!

How Great is our God ( world edition )

When the Need Doesn't Matter

The worries of my world strike hard at four in the morning.  My mind drifts in this direction I yank back hard and turn my pillow to the cool side.  It grows warm and I sit up, stretch my feet that are yelling and give up.

I stand by her door but do not open it.  It's old and loud.  My hand finds that old pane and I utter, please, Father.

And that first child that is flying high has me whispering her own plea to above.  May her sugar be where it should be may she do as she should do and will you please, Father, make me a little better at this letting go. Where do I let go to?   And this new hold is not as easy as the first.

I lie back down and find him in the dark.  It has been too long and there is too much to do and not enough time and all that has held us apart or kept us apart is lost at four in the morning with his arms wrapped tight and I hear the breath I love you.  When he speaks it like a whisper breath and not a closing of a call or an exit out the door and I breathe it in like the gift it is.

I pull the covers up over his little body and wonder how she sleeps in that position and think about my day.

Today I will load the car and forget the camera or the bottle or the small flag he will wave and have to go back in and rush to not run late. 

Today I will stand on the side of the highway for a man I did not know but wish I had.  When he answered her 911 call and stayed by her side and told her it would be okay I should have taken the time to find him and thank him. I wonder how this event in her life will shape her.  He came and protected and comforted and now he was cruelly taken away and shouldn't she be too young for this?

 

I stand at the window looking out and think about the man that took this officer's life.  How does a person get to a place like that?  Did he not have someone to pull the covers up over him or pray hand on his door?  Did he not have someone to find in the dark?  Did he turn his back and say no over and over until his heart was hard?

This is the only highway I have ever known and each mile has memory and today I take my children and stand in respect and wonder how do you thank enough and why my highway?

Someone said there had to be a first, even in our little city, but why did there have to be?  I think of his child and his wife and who will whisper those words like breath and that's enough thinking and I notice my windows need washing and I turn away as the paperboy drives by and I wonder why don't I drink coffee?

Then - there it is.  What I have grown to expect and need and appreciate and adore.  The rush of comfort and peace and promise.

It always comes.  No matter the time the sun setting or rising no matter the question or the need.

It always comes.

My Prayers Answered, the Final Gift of Four

You know when you want to climb mountains and shout from 'em?  When you feel like you should take your shoes off because the ground beneath feels holy?   When it's so sweet it feels like a dream but it's better because it's the wonderful wonder of reality?

And what is real in all of life is what you know in moments like these.

The beautiful gift of four. One and then another and then another and then another. And all so undeserved.

But isn't each gift?

And I've messed up so many things and done so many things wrong.

And isn't that why this is the biggest wonder of all?

That in spite of me I would joy in the grace that is the joy of a lifetime in the lives of each of my children.

Would it sound silly to say that it was the biggest smile I've ever seen on his face?  Because it was, you know?  The biggest smile.  Spring of 2012.  February 26.

Bigger than when he took that first step and we all had silly goofy grins of pride on our face - and he knew it was him.  Bigger than the time when Gideon coming was only one day away - or no days away.  Bigger than seeing the footprints Santa left behind or getting ten more minutes before bed or me saying yes to the second oatmeal pie.

He couldn't stop smiling.

And he said he felt funny inside and touched his stomach.  Smiling.

He ran to me, Mommy, I said my payers by mysel tonight.

Then again, ten minutes later.  He jumps up beside me.

Mommy, I asked Jesus to live in my heart.  I asked Jesus to make me a Chistian.  I told Him I love him best.

I mute the TV and pull him to my lap and he feels greater because he is and I know because of the beautiful gift of three before.  

And there is the smile.  He was almost shining and maybe he was?  That smile was large and he twinkled and I saw it.  Jesus in my son.

He can't answer all the questions correctly.  He's only five.  He doesn't completely understand the devil.  He only partly understands sin.  He doesn't understand death or hell.  There will have to be more later -

But he does understand the cross. 

Do you believe Jesus died on the cross?

Yeah, so I don't have to.

What happened after He died?

He wose.

When?

Thee days later.

Where is Jesus now?

And this is the part.  If I forget it all this is the part I want to remember.  This is the glorious part that becomes my greatest gift - my final gift of four answered prayers.

The smile is still there.  I silently think his cheeks must be hurting.

In me, Mommy.

I hug him tight.  Yeah.  But where does Jesus live now, after he rose?

And he looks at me, smiling.  He stares at me as if I am the one who doesn't understand.

He lifts his hand and points one little finger.  Right at the middle of his heart.

In meeeee, Mommy. 

And he laughs as if to say, silly mommy.

But who possibly loves more on this earth than a mother?  Who else understands the things they don't understand themselves?  Who else sees the possibilities of their future more than a mother?  Who more than a mother hurts more when they hurt?

Who else worries more that they might turn away?

And isn't a mother pregnant for a lifetime?

And when their flutters turned to kicks that turned to pain that you knew of but had no idea of, each time forgotten fresh, in each blessing turn of gift life you whisper and plead and need to know they will be safe in the life past this one.  That He will grant what you will never be able to.  That He will give the real life.

This you pray.  Even when they only flutter. 

And here I witnessed the last, as I witnessed the three before. 

The first who wanted to lie with me in the dark and whisper it soft.  As if it was so beautiful the moment might break.  Gentle with small hand in mine and a great confidence.  And beautiful it was.  And my heart swam for in this moment I realized the greatest gift of grace is the gift of life to her.

The second who didn't understand why she had to ask for what she knew was already there.  Hadn't He always been there?  She couldn't remember Him not.  He could have easily been her first word.  The help of a dear pastor to fill in her blanks.  Her taking my hand and stepping out.

The third with the crowd in the living room.  Family all around.  Rare moments of all together and she pulls me to her room.  She cannot wait.  She wants to do it now.  And in the quiet of a room, shared wall with love loud seeping in, she bows and prays.

And now this fourth gift.  He so unexpected, who I love wild and strong and in that way a mama loves only a son, he takes a knee alone.  Warrior.  Joining an army of the King.  Running to me to tell and feeling funny inside and smiling huge on the outside.

What is such grace as this my Father grants?  Proof that His love is not only greater than my sins but called to these four in spite of me.  Where I failed He triumphed and loved more and spoke softer but louder and called deeper and gave all to the ones that I would give all to

but the thing I cannot give that is His alone is the only gift there is.

the day that represents the day

I receive the text on my way home from church Wednesday night.

Are you alright?

I text back yes and share that this week does this to me every year.  This holy of weeks that shames me into admittance that so few of my days in a year are spent hurting over the pain my Savior endured.  And is there a word deeper than pain?

Admittance that my lack of faithfulness brought Him to a cross and even still that cross I so often forget and what love could be stronger to bear that cross knowing I would still lack faithfulness to even remember? 

I attend service of darkness and sing and pray and watch the blowing out of candles and feel tears slide.  I wipe my face and for a moment wonder if I can stifle sobs I feel coming.  And the pain from earlier in my day mixes with grief and reminder of grace and I feel threatened to lose control.  Then with the final Amen I exit quickly and quietly and prayer is answered when I make it to my car before the crushing weight of all this wins and I break.

I listen to the story of K. and there is a clock inside spinning backwards remembering and I know only by grace.  And I wonder - where is K's grace?

Some small sound wakes me to a morning still dark.  I avoid the clock and pull covers up over my head. But there is no rescue of sleep because here it is -  the day that represents the day.

Good Friday.  Pious.  Holy.

If I had been there would I have seen my name written in the stripes on his back?  RIE carved in letters so deep that only God's love can erase.  Not time or shame or sorry but only love.

Would I have seen my face in the angry sneering crowd?  My mouth turning Hosana to crucify?

And my answer screams yes and I push myself deeper under the covers.  I remember last night I closed my eyes to the day that He prayed for another way and accepted the way of the cross.  How could I have rested when He prayed drops of blood?

Then he returned to the disciples and found them asleep. He said to Peter, "Couldn't you watch with me even one hour?" 

Matthew 26:40

I rested in sleep because of the crack of whip moving faster than the speed of sound and nails pounding crushing small bones and heart breaking looking through space and time -   my face.  RIE.

Just make it through today, just make it through today I repeat over and over.  And then morning will break again just get through today, I pray.  And what will I do from noon until three?  I will wash dishes and clean house and shop for a birthday gift and remember to remember.

Only by grace did I realize early enough in my life, before it was maybe too late?  Never for love, but maybe for redemption?  And on this holy day I wonder again Where is K's grace? Help her, Lord, to find her gift of grace.

And I long to go home and look into His face.  I want to touch the scars and fall at His feet and sob unstifled I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so sorry.

I must await my heavenly home but not my seeing His face because He wakes with me and rises with me and rests with me and loves me a cross much.  Today the day that represents the day I will remember agony and thank often and wait for new morning to break.

Without a Change Was There Ever a Step?

I see it in her eyes.  It is guilt.  It is shame to answer the question I have asked.

How do I know?  I recognize myself, right there.  Right in the eyes of my child.

We read Mark 22:36-39 together.

 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

  Jesus replied: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind."  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself."

I ask Max if he has someone he doesn't like that he needs to practice loving.  Loving like he loves himself.

He laughs and says no.

But across the table I see her face.

I say, I do.

And then she speaks thru her fingers cupped over her mouth.  One of my favorite things about her.

She frowns, I do, too, Mama.

And there it is.  Guilt.  Shame.  She doesn't want to tell me.  Tells me to guess.  I guess wrong.  Twice. 

Then she shares about a new girl she's only been around a few times.  She's not feeling the love, y'all.

But she's feeling the guilt of not feeling the love.

Tears are wanting to fall.

I go to her, put both of my hands on her face and tell her it is okay.  It is okay because there will always be people that we struggle to like.

Life is full of struggles and we fail and we fall.

And why is it that we think our ladder to heaven has rungs further than our eyes can see - when there is only one step.

One simple step full of faith of what cannot be seen - but can be felt in a change.  Without a change was there ever a step?

So I share my failure to love and we promise together to try harder to keep this greatest commandment. Given by the One who walked this earth and understood.  But knew even through that understanding what must be.

What we must be.

My hands leave her face and I hold her hair so soft and remind her what I expect of her and ask her to expect it of me.  It is easier when done together. 

We will remember that God loves that person as much as He loves us.

We will start over.

I'm Whispering In Your Ear . . .

I'm tapping you on the shoulder.

I'm whispering in your ear.

I'm looking you right in the eye

and

telling 

you

Jesus wants you to be His valentine.

He wants you to love Him with all of your heart and soul.

 With all of your mind

and with all of your strength.

And

in

return

He will take your soul

and rescue it.

And

you

will

have

love

for

an

eternity.

And Manna Falls

I don't hear the ding.  Not like the doorbell of my childhood to welcome guest or the ring of the phone to hear voice, because now it's just a sound on my phone that brings only letters. 

And why do we like technology so?

I rarely do hear the ding.

Hours later I find the message.

Mama, guess what?????

And I text back -

What??!!

I wait for the answer. 

I wait to hear blessing in her life that makes up for the pain in her body as I wait for us both to learn that pain is blessing.  Possibilities float around my mind like breezes in the heat.  For do we not count it joy when joy springs in their hearts?

But then I received it and it was like manna to this hungry mama's soul.

Because later I did hear the phone ding.  I was listening.  Waiting.

I feel wonderful today!!!!!!

And it fell. 

Joy came down like rain to a dry land. 

Like food from heaven to a hungry people.

Manna, or Manhu, which means, What is this?

Because do we not recognize gifts when we receive them?  Or do we just forget the giver?

This is a portion to which God has given us and we will take it and remember to be thankful.

The Israelites were wandering and they were grumbling -

". . . but You have brought us out into the desert to starve this entire assembly to death."

Exodus 16:3

It was good and it was wholesome and it looked like pearls fallen from heaven when the Lord gave His answer to His people.


And me the same today as them and it rains from heaven to remind me . . .

"Then you will know that I am the Lord your God."

Exodus 16:12

And like manna we are to gather our joy fresh each morning.  Be thankful throughout the day and do not hoard or become too comfortable or passive as it will melt away like manna when the sun grows hot. 

And there will be void where there should be fullness.

And I need to sleep quietly and rest easy.  I need to trust that God will bring daily bread afresh each morning.  And I need to believe that my life and hers and each of ours is safer in God's storehouse than in our own.

And the manna spoiled if kept overnight.  The Lord provided sweet and fresh each new day. And like our joy today, sweet and fresh each morning to be recognized and gathered. 

And when we have much we forget.  We forget upon who we depend.  We forget to be thankful.  We become independent?  No.  For is there such a thing when we know God?

And He provides just what I need and just when I need it and the gift of Jesus?  The eternal provision for my thirsty and hungry soul - yes and I shout gladness and thankfulness.  And I ask for vision.  For wisdom to recognize the difference between what I want and what I need.

For what I need?

Just to honor and glorify my God.  To recognize the gift in each moment and then let go - believing in the miracle that more will come.

And like the ding I listen and I wait and the manna falls

tasting like

" . . . wafers made with honey."

 Exodus 16:31

I Take Down the Nativity

I pick him up from Sunday School with a label stuck to his shirt and he wears label proudly on his chest.

Be kind to one another

He keeps it on all day.

Next day I find label sticking to the edge of the doorframe of his bedroom.

Why is this here?

I ask him.  Thinking I know the answer.  Whispering a prayer I know the answer.  Knowing that sometimes you do get things right with your children and get to reap. 

All standing there in person reaping what I have tried so hard to sow.

I put tis here like lu do.  When Gideland comes he will see it 'cause I lov Gideland.

And I'm grateful and a little proud because I have taught him to place in his path that which you can meditate on that is good. 

That which Gideland's mother taught me.

But then I have to stop.  Because I'm struggling right now.  I've even found it hard to breathe today.  I've had moments of fear that have made me feel as if my throat is closing up.

How does my heavenly Father feel when He cannot reap in me what He sows?

Because I have struggled to hold on to even the words I have placed in my own path. 

God's words. 

 Given to me as breath for when I can't breathe.

I take down the nativity.  The last of the Christmas decorations I have been dragging my feet on.  I carry as many figurines as I can in my hand to speed up the job.  Then I pick up the baby and forget he's not attached and he falls out of the manger.

I catch this clay baby before he hits the floor and I breathe relief.

Gently I carry him to the box that will tuck him away for another year.  Stored up in the attic with dust and memories.

But that's where I stop.  I find myself seperating this baby from the other pieces and placing him on the shelf beside the broken punch cup.  That day I was so broken down.

I will leave Jesus out all year.  For not only my eyes but the eyes of my son to see.

I think of the label. 

 How I long to proudly wear on my chest, like a badge of honor -

I love you, Jesus.
I trust you, my God.
Thank you for breath when I can't breathe.

And as a friend reminded me today -

Thank you for being bigger . . .

We have an answer

Hallelujah!

Praise God!

I want to fall to my knees and cry and shout to the mountaintops -

We have an answer!

She's been sick for almost three years.  And since February we have seen a steady stream of doctors.  I've tried not to give up.  I have pushed and my gut has known.

  And there were 2 dozen vials of blood, CT scans on every part of her body and MRI's on almost every part -

until now.

It was a week ago when I found her in the back room crying.  She missed a Christmas party that night as we put shoes on and headed to the ER.

And I told myself to be strong and not give in this time to answers that my heart knew were wrong.

As she was sent out of the room for one more CT scan I cried my eyes out to the sweet nurse practioner.  They didn't believe she was sick enough to even give her a doctor.

This young woman, a mother herself, after some very creative wording on the forms, ordered a brain MRI.

I think I cried more after she ordered it than before.

Sweet release.  Thankful tears.

Y'all, I've been asking for a brain MRI for almost a year now.  But no one would do it.  No one would even send us to a neurologist.

It's not that I necessarily knew they would find something.  But I knew only then could I accept a lifetime of pain for my daughter.

God bless Melissa. If I were a rich person I'd buy her a house, or a car, or whatever she wanted. 

But I'm not. 

I'll ask God's blessing on her and her's. 

And isn't that the best anyway?

His timing was not ours and I'm not sure why so much time had to pass, but I do know that she was never out of the tight grasp of His hand.

And He always knew what we now know.

Shelby has a gap at the base of her brain stem that causes spinal fluid to form and puddle.

Affects her nerves.  Causes intense pain.

Causes a mama's and daddy's heart to break.

It's complicated - but that's the jest of it.

We are waiting for the appointment with the neurosurgeon. 

We will see what he says, but according to the doctor on the phone this morning she needs surgery to correct it.

And God sends answers. 

But He always sent grace. 

And love.

And promises fulfilled.

Shout with me, will you?

Our God is good.

Pray with me, please?

It isn't an easy road ahead.

But it is the right road.