Have a dressed up day!

Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

When Sandra Tucked Me In

I lie awake and wait for him.  It's not too late but late enough and this foot is screaming loud and I just want to kiss goodnight and roll over and sleep.

And then he asks me if I saw the email. 

The one from Sandra.

No,  do I need to read it tonight?

You might want to.

I close my eyes and lose a few moments before what he says registers and I open them to say ok but he's already on that 4 he loves.  He reads words that make all of the ache and soreness and unworthiness and pain of the day go away.  They remove the fear that I might wake up to the negative and the worry that she might wake up sick and the dread of what tomorrow brings in a home not looking like a home. 

The thoughts that I had moments ago of being incapable of functioning in an order of peace.  Of forgetting too much and remembering too much. Of wanting to pull out this hair that's been so unruly lately I stare in the mirror and try to figure out what to do with it and it is the only bad thing that son brought.

Words of loving me and owing me and thanking me.  Of my spirit and my heart and my knowledge.  Of me being her blessing. 

Words of love that come from a heart with much more room in it than mine.  From a mind that thinks of others quicker than mine does and plans unselfishly and stands in the rain with no umbrella.  That cries silly over things most take for granted and loves my kids unconditionally.
 
From a friend who puts me in my place like a sister and never cuts me off and knows better than to be ashamed around me. 

He looks at me and I laugh.  What does she want?  I joke because it wouldn't take much for tears to come tonight. 
 
Because just when I forgot to say my prayers and let Father God rescue me from my day He rescues me anyway.  With the gift of her.
 
With words beautiful coming from this crazy technology into my bed and wrapping me like a warm blanket. 
 
When my fourth sister tucked me in.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Do You Think I'm Cute?

He brings the mail in and sets it down.  It has been a good day.  A day of friends and picture taking and watching them learn and grow.

There's a manilla envelope at the bottom of the stack.  My name on it.

I start to grin, and fuss.

Nancy shouldn't have mailed these.  Look, it costs her $1.79 to mail these.  She should have just given them to me later.

All the while tearing into the envelope.  Cause isn't mail nice when it's not expected?

But then -

This is not . . .

I laugh.  Loud.  Feels so good.

Look, look what Nancy sent me.

And out I pull a little piece of sweet friendship.  She writes that she couldn't resist this little onsie for my new nephew.

What sweetness.  So thoughtful.

So, may I present my newest love in my gift onsie that speaks only the truth.



thanks, nancy
love ya

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

When Faith is All You Have and Grace is More Than Enough

I am up and dressed.  Tired eyes lying awake long before the sun.

I'm going this morning to witness the death of a child.

And at this moment all the prayers of the past months that have been placed at the Father's feet are seeking desperate hope that a baby to be born broken with little or no life will emerge lungs screaming and breathing in air for a long lifetime.

A long lifetime.  A healthly long life.

And I try to pray sensibly.  With words shown to me by Jesus to petition my Father God.  But in the midst of them I find myself begging again for the doctors to be wrong.  For the miracle I want to see today.  For my friend's heart to not break.

And yes, I tell my child, we can question.  It is not wrong to want to understand something beyond the grasp of our minds and our hearts.

But then we stop.  We believe in the power and knowledge so as not to damage our faith.

Because belief in Jesus is breathing in air for an eternal lifetime.

We believe that what we think would be the best for now is small in what God knows to be the best for the future.

But then I ask

how?

why?

and one more time . . .

please.

It was not the death of a child I witnesssed.  It was a child going home.  For he is alive now more than ever.

Baby Canaan with Jesus.  Parents and family as strong as the oaks outside my window.  Bending but not breaking.  Holding breath to hold him again one day - eternally.

Because of faith.

Because of grace.

Friday, September 9, 2011

I see the concern in her eyes and she pulls me close and tells me,

She said she really had her feelings hurt.

Of course she did, I say.  I would have, too.

And I feel it.  The pain of guilt.  The sting of my neglect.


I strain and try to remember why I had failed her so.  I try to remember something so that I can dismiss the reality of the truth.

Wasn't her pain during the months when the pain here stole all services from me but one?  Missed Sunday after Sunday after Sunday.

I try to remember that far back so that I can excuse?  Yes.

And is the holy day my only day to love?  

Does that service of joined fellowship with Jesus lovers replace my servanthood when it should only enhance what the heart knows to do? 

  Do I think my life and my time and my pain is heavier than hers?

Then I do not know.  I have not learned. 

For I am wrong and my love is spinning backwards and away. 

And still I learn these lessons again. 

And isn't every day - every moment - every breath holy?

There is only one service and doubling the meaning only defines my failure.

So I write and I stamp and I pray words on paper can tear down the brick between us I cradled and mortared with sloppy heart.


Monday, November 15, 2010

One Thousand Gifts . . .

I can't remember how many times she called me the day of Shelby's appointment, or the day Ruben left Delia for boot camp.

How she assured Delia he would return, and she would survive.

How she made Shelby laugh in all her fear by telling her to picture the doctor in his underwear.

How she has taken Izzy and Max with her so they wouldn't be alone.

How she visited Mama just because Mama was alone.

She doesn't always have a spotless house and her laundry piles high like the rest of the saints who decided long ago that others matter more than she does.

It never feels like an imposition, it just feels like friendship. 

Family's not always just those that share your blood.

Love you, Sandra.

And thank you.

My gratitude list continues . . .

hearing her good morning on the phone

how she gently listens

the volunteering that ceases my worried mind from thoughts of asking too much

the tears she sheds for my babies

her prayers

her partnership in VBS

the way she lets me ramble myself to my own answer

friendship with the only strings attached going from heart to heart, home to home


My baby sister sits across from the doctor in the office that swaddles the women who beg God for babies.  Women that lay their hope at the feet of the Creator of science.   

Certificates line the walls, success stories and grinning toothless babies paper the walls.

He says he's running out of words to describe her progress.

He uses . . . 

Spectacular.

Why?  she asks. 

Words like follicle, measurements, and egg retrieval are floating in this room where hope surges to a new level.  Where a heart and mind struggle to come together and maintain the shadow of doubt necessary to keep heart from shattering.  Where heart and mind fail.

the days of wait ahead

the promise of your prayers for her and others like her, where the heart only desires what the arms ache to hold

My list, #'s 415-424.


holy experience

Sunday, August 15, 2010

One Thousand Gifts . . .

I look at the end of the bolt, nine dollars a yard.  Owls float all over yardage that looks just like her. 

It's too expensive, find another one, I say.

She walks off, no whines or frowns.  Must be the company, I think to myself.  Shopping with friends for apron fabric. 

I scan the shelves and point to the colorful wall with the large forty percent off sign.  Over there, I say.

I watch her, asking her friend Will to reach the bolts on the top shelf.  Katie and Amy give their opinion and back up it goes.  Will patiently pulls another one down, puts it back up, pulls another one down.

I watch her smile and laugh and tug on her hair. 

She's beautiful, I think to myself. 

But I'm not seeing the sunstreaked hair or the blue eyes on a face kissed by the heat of summer.

I'm looking at a little girl made beautiful by the ones who love her.  Made glowing by the love she feels for the ones she loves.  These friends.  These blessings she shops with, schools with, plays with. 

These four beautiful blessings that have entered our lives and become friends - a word that grows more precious as time goes by.

My gratitude list continues . . .

Donna

Katie

Amy

Will

bolts of colorful fabric

forty percent off sales

a free sewing class

a sewing teacher full of grace

rows of colorful buttons

clearance racks

ribbon by the spool

scissors just for fabric

front door parking

$1 T-shirts

thunderstorms

beating the thunderstorm

gusty breezes on a scorching hot day

wishes for sno-cones

Sunday morning cinnamon rolls

 a full Sunday School class

him holding my hand in prayer

Sunday lunch with friends

God is great, God is good . . .

a lesson in pennies

three pennies in the offering plate

her new haircut

sisters fixing each other's hair

homemade flip books

colorful timelines

leaves in wax paper

bucket full of free pears

My list, #211-241.

holy experience



Saturday, June 26, 2010

Wouldn't that be fun?

I'm home.

This is where I have been.



I stood on this spot and prayed for you, my blogger friend.  Tuesday evening.

Some of you are close and dear friends to me.  Some of you I unfortunately will never have the joy of meeting.

There is a connection to you all.

How I wish I could sit in a room with y'all and put my feet up and share a cup of tea - or fountain coke - and become one with each of you as we share what keeps our hearts beating.

Wouldn't that be fun?

I prayed for each of you, whoever and wherever you are. 

 I hope you felt it. 

I know it was heard.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

What the Word? Wednesday

Instead of a word today, I'm sharing a video made at my friend Donna's house yesterday of Maxster learning to swim.

It's a brave new world for you, my son. 

And you are a brave little boy. 

Wasn't it a grand day and a grand way to spend it?  Not the least being grand friends.




You're almost there.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I'm standing at the bathroom sink, white knuckled hands gripping the edge, sobbing.  The water is running to drown out my sound and I watch as my tears join the water swirling down the drain. 

They are so easy to wash away, they fall and disappear but the pain remains.

It's been a bad morning.  I stare at myself in the mirror, desperately seeking to forgive and find forgiveness, needing grace to flow over me.  I am angry and disappointed.  Which more? I don't know.  I am looking for this joy in life I am striving to be aware of each day.  Where is it today? 

I cannot see it.  It is out of my reach.

I have become what I would never be.

My hair falls in my face and my eyes burn but that is not why I cannot see.  I cannot see because I am not worthy.  I cannot see because of blue eyes and tiny fingers gripping and why can't I just accept?

Composure is forced.  A smile is weak as I drive to where I need to be.

Don't take it out.  Don't take it out on the darlins' in the back seat.

We drive up at the same time.  She looks lovely today with her hair growing long and her new blouse on.  I notice right away, maybe it's the sun.

I made you something, she begins. 

She doesn't know I can still feel the sting of tears and the anger and shame. 

Don't take it out, I think again.

I had lost it but then I found it, she continues.

And there it is in her hand.  A snow white hand towel she monogrammed with Rie's Kitchen and an ice cream cone.

I am immediately struck with the knowledge of the thought put into this gift.  It is my colors.  The colors of my life - which are the colors of my home.  Teal, brown, apple green, orange. . . an accent of red.

It is me and she knows it.  It is why she chose it.

She left nothing out.  There is love.

I can barely say thank you because of the threat of the tears. I don't even know if I did.

I sit inside and think, maybe I have not become what I did not want.

She sees something.  She has chosen me to be her friend.  It is a privilege.  She does not choose lightly - this I know.

She has chosen me and God has chosen her and this moment for her to find it and gift it to me.

This moment she does not know would matter so.  The snow white of it, the colors of it, the thought.  The greatness in something so small and simple.

Without touching this cloth to my face it has dried my tears and there are no more today.

I hang it here.























Out of reach of the grime. 

Next to this . . .




and down from this . . .

















Reminders of my daily filth and breath of promises to my soul.

Promises my Savior added to today with the gift and the giver.

Donna and the towel that is snow white - except for her color.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Don't Tell Anyone, she says

Don't tell anyone I got silly on the phone and cried like a fool.

Okay, I say.  I won't tell, I'll blog.

My friend's cat had kittens today.  I thought the cat was her daughter's, Emily, until this conversation hours after the kittens were born.  Now I know the cat, Sadie, really belongs to her.  You'll see what I mean.

She says . . .

I heard cat sounds and my feet hit the floor. 

She starts to cry.

I just got so goofy.

I went yelling through the house - we're having kittens!

I hear her sniffles.  Little does my friend know I have grabbed a pen and paper and am scribbling down every word she says.

I feel like a fool.

'Cause we rescued her and stuff.

More sobs.

I'm so proud of Sadie.

I feel giddy, like a grandma.

More sniffles.

I can't stop smiling.

Don't tell anyone I got silly on the phone and cried like a fool.

My friend is a sensitive soul.  Tears fall easily and freely from her eyes for many different reasons.  She hates to see others in pain.  Sad or angry or helpless or alone children break her heart.  Those burdened with cancer, because she is a survivor, weigh heavily on her heart.

She hates injustice and fears a difficult future for her children.

She cries tears, happy or sad, often.

She cries for me.  I rarely cry except when I am mad, but I can count on her to shed tears for my pain.

Remember this post, Do We Have to Remember?  I mention her.  S., I called her.  Since then when I mention her in my blog I just call her . . .

Don't tell anyone I got silly on the phone and cried like a fool.

Okay, I say, still scribbling. 

And don't blog about it, and if you do make me be S. again, so no one will know it's me.

No, my dear friend Sandra.  'Cause if you won't be proud of your sensitive and unselfish heart I will be for you.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Wow Words

I don't have my daybook done today and really don't have time.  But I do want to share this.

Everything I've been doing today has been in a hurry, and even though it has been a good morning, I can't get over feeling rushed.

There are just a couple of minutes now to spare before I pick up Izzy from Bible Drill practice and I clicked onto the computer to check emails and read my friends' Tuesday daybooks.  I can close my eyes and imagine them running their households by their words and I feel some much needed adult company.  Weird, I know.

While I was very quickly scanning, my friend Jennifer's words to ponder caught my eye and made me pause and take a deep breath.  This is them.

Words that I am pondering ... I'll just keep last week's words ... they bear repeating, I think.

"Does my life exhibit enough hope for someone to ask the reason for it? Maybe worse than not having a good answer is the possibility that no one even notices enough difference in my life to ask me about it." (See 1 Peter 3:15)

Wow.  I remember thinking Wow to them last week when I read them, but then they got caught in the clutter of my mind and forgotten.

Not this week.  Not again.  They are now hanging, along with another of my favorite, on the front door leading outside my home into the world.

















Dear Father . . .

Thursday, March 11, 2010

My Dear Friends

I'm beginning to get a little of that overwhelmed panicky feeling that I get when I'm behind in more stuff than I'm accomplishing.

That said, my dear friend Sandra said to me this afternoon,

You know it's all gonna work out, don't you?

I do now, dear friend Sandra.  Thank you and love you.  You are no longer just S.

I have another dear friend - who, along with Sandra, seems to "get me" -  that will be having a hard day today.  Sweet slowly turned to bittersweet and is now sour. 

Remember, I'll pick the bugs or help you hide.  Whichever you need.  Love you.

Friday, September 25, 2009

A Life, A Death, and Pasta Salad

I have a recipe for you. It's tangy and zangy and zippy and I promise you will like it. 





















But first I must reminisce about a friend who was an excellent cook.  I dined with her on many occasions, usually walking away thinking that I really needed to get her recipe for another scrumptious treat she had made.  She is gone now and I have only one of her recipes.  The irony?  The name of it - Confetti Pasta Salad.

The definition of confetti goes something like this, "enhances the gaiety of a festive event . . . carnivals, weddings, parades."

Marianne was born twenty-three years before me.  She was twenty-nine and I was six when we met.  Marianne was my Girl's in Action leader at church.  I remember slumber parties at her house and baking cookies for the nursing home.  As a child I remember hearing the women of our church speaking of her miscarriages, one after another for ten years before she was blessed with rocking her firstborn, a son.  A year later, the added blessing of a baby girl.  That baby girl would one day babysit my own little girls.

When Gregg and I married, Marianne and her husband were the first to treat us as adults.  She left my childhood in the past and gave me my first "duties" at church.  I never remember a time that Marianne was on the outside looking in.  We did not always get along.  Probably because in the grand scheme of things we were two peas in a pod, and sometimes there is only room for one (at least that's what peas like us think).

In 2004 Marianne was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and by the spring of 2005 she was face to face with Jesus.

"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.  And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it."
W. Somerset Maugham

Marianne was never dull or dreary, not even in the last days of her life.  She would not have liked that quote. She faced the giant of death as she did all other giants in her life - she put it in it's place.

I never got the opportunity to comfort her - I would cry and she would comfort.  I sat at her bedside less than twenty-four hours before she died.  Pain medication made her speech slurred and she rambled some, and nothing could hide the regret she had that she would never know the ones who would love and marry her children and that she would never hold a grandchild.

Marianne taught me many things from the years of being my teacher to my mentor.  By her example I learned what to be, and she would not mind me saying - I learned some ways not to be. Even with her no longer here I catch myself wondering, in certain situations, what she would do.  There are times I want to respond exactly how she would and other times I know to run in the opposite direction.  But aren't those the only kind of friends worth having?  The ones that let you see who they really are - and you love them anyway, and they you.

She was kind with high expectations, stubborn with high expectations, gracious with high expectations, and critical with high expectations. She was loving and she was my friend. All that mushed up together made one incredible and real woman.

Marianne was a Christian, a musician, a seamtress, a gardner, a mother, a wife, and a cook.  She "enhanced the gaiety of life."  See the irony?  Confetti Pasta Salad, my one and only recipe from her. Life's sense of humor.  Good thing I've got the memories. 

Miss you, Marianne.  Keep a bowl of pasta waiting and one day we'll catch up.

"The only service a friend can really render is to keep up your courage by holding up to you a mirror in which you can see a noble image of yourself." - G. B. Shaw

Marianne's Confetti Pasta Salad

12 oz. Vermicelli pasta, cooked and drained
1/2 bottle (2.62 oz.) Salad Supreme seasoning
1 pkg. dry Italian dressing mix
1 1/2 c. Italian salad dressing
1c. chopped green pepper
1 small chopped purple onion
1 flat can chopped black olives
1 can diced tomatoes, drained

In large bowl mix cooked vermicelli with all above ingredients.  Toss well.  Cover and refrigerate overnight.  Toss several times while it marinates.  Add more liquid dressing if dry. serves 12.
Drawing of me losing my cool courtesy of budding artist, Izzy.


Have a dressed up day!


. . . put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Colossians 3:12