It is one o'clock in the morning and I sit here with a ham sandwich, glass of milk, and my Bible. I don't know which hurt is worse, my eyes or my heart.
I was accused today of being unkind. Of not showing compassion and love. Of maybe even being the cause of someone succumbing to the end of their life earlier because of my treatment to them.
It is not true, in this situation it is the exact opposite. But oh, how the evil one is using the words and actions of someone who is being decieved to tempt me with sin and shame. How he is trying to get in between my God and me.
All of my imperfections have taken the form of the demons they are and are swirling around me now with knives and pitchforks - attempting to disfigure or destroy my belief in myself. And that belief is always weak enough, to say the least.
When I search my heart it is a nasty place. There is no doubt about that . . .
But it is not full of unkindness or a lack of compassion and love.
This particular problem has been trying to take me down for years and as diligently as I search, I hold no blame.
When I was a little girl, not more than five, we lived in a trailer and across the street there was work being done on an empty lot. There were piles of red dirt that my sister and I were playing on. A new little girl, Becky, had moved in and we were playing with her for the first time. She picked up a clod of red dirt and threw it directly into my eye.
I only have five memories of my time in that home. All five of those are my earliest memories and each has its own obvious reason why it has stayed with me.
I remember sitting on the toilet in the bathroom while Mama cleaned the dirt out of my eye. I remember the pain. I remember crying and asking why. I even remember asking why she threw it in my eye and not my sister's. We were just playing, I had done nothing to Becky - I didn't even know her.
Mama imparted words of wisdom to me that day. I can't remember the exact words, nor do I need to. She gently informed me that in my life there would always be people that do not like me. They wouldn't need a reason - they would create their own.
She then marched herself to Becky's trailer and took down her Mama. In so many words.
Does God require me to deny myself for the sake of someone else? Will I be more Godly if I give in?
If I am assertive am I compromising my Christian beliefs and behavior?
Those questions are with me. The answer to them would vary with the situation, I'm sure. I am also sure I will be disliked and blamed in the times the answers are no. I'm also sure I will get it wrong, many times.
I'm still searching, desperately wanting to make right a wrong. But this one is out of my hands.
I can only correct my wrong, not someone else's.
The list would be long and my shame would explode your minds if I listed all my wrongs and the one's those wrongs were aimed at. I can already feel the tears sting that I will shed on Judgement Day.
In James, chapter 5, we are told that God will judge us.
. . . For look! The great judge is coming. He is standing at the door.
If someone accuses me of being something other than the way God views me, whose opinion do I value?
Instead of words that can be considered prideful, I know some may think that I should be admitting more to the ugly sin drenched wretched soul that I am. I am that. I am that. Shame and blame are seconds skins to me, but not now. Not with this.
My heavenly Father has done and is continuing to do much work in me. My old self is dying to my new self - each and every day it begins its process anew. I am willing.
But . . .
I am not willing to deny work my Father has already done in me. I will not deny Him the glory He deserves.
I have enough sin and ugliness and will not own something that is not mine.
Of course I can be unkind and unloving. Of course what I deserve is death and eternal punishment and seperation. But He has rescued me from that, and this- this sin you accuse me of, is not my guilt to bear.
Mama, Becky, and the dirt clod. A hard lesson to learn and even harder to bear through life.
I value your opinion.
How do you avoid carrying another person's sin when it is dumped at your feet?
Are you enjoying the happiness granted to you by the Father when He does a good work in you?
Or . . .
Do you allow the devil to defeat you and deny your Father His rightful glory?