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Saturday, January 9, 2010

Sex on Saturdays - Ladies, Don't Withhold

Hey friends from Getting Down With Jesus -

I did this Sex on Saturdays series a couple of years ago.  Instead of reposting it all, I've just linked you back to the page.

It took bravery - but I'm glad I did it.  I hope you are, too.

If you want to read them all, just click on the label at the end of this post.

Okay - here goes nothing - or everything.

It took me a long time to get up the nerve to blog about this subject.  It's taboo among women in some circles and I don't know what circle all of you are in. This first one's also kinda long - there's that intoduction stuff.  It'll get better so bear with me if you can. 

Know that I have been praying about this, and praying for months now for the women that will read it.  To get started, it's only fair to say that when He's Too Good To Me and I were struggling with this area in our lives I'm not sure that any amount of advice from anyone would have helped me.  I cried alot, and prayed.  Prayers like, "Help me, help me, help me."  I didn't have the words or energy to pray much else. 

It's a wonderful thing we don't have to tell God what to do, we can believe he knows and shares our pain, and that words like help me go as far as any other words. 

If you are struggling with this area of life, and nothing I or anyone else says helps, or if for many reasons you can't act on anyone's advice, then I pray God's comfort and peace gives you the energy to not give up.  There is hope, always.

Why is it, ladies, before we get married we can't keep our hands off our guy and our minds out of the gutter?  We want to kiss, touch, and let our minds and bodies wander to the danger zone.  Rebellion, that's why.  Our sinful nature to rebel against God and the sins of the flesh.  Our sinful desire was to be physical.

We get married, wake up one normal day, and suddenly we have to make ourselves make love.  We have many excuses for it, but it is still rebellion.  Rebelling against God's plan is what we do best; and after marriage it will manifest itself in the sinful desire to withhold.  

It's common knowledge men have sex on the brain more than women, but just because this is true does not give us permission to use "not tonight" as a form of punishment, or to withhold for whatever reason. Withholding is not always mean-spirited, but it can be.  Some excuses we label "reasons" - and we'll discuss that later. 

I love to talk.  When He's Too Good To Me comes home I could sit and talk about my day for an hour, at least.  I enjoy it, it's how I communicate my need for him, and it's a stress reliever.  Most of the time he politely obliges, sometimes even enjoying it. 

How would I feel if he ignored me or made me feel like he was doing me a "favor" by listening?  Hurt, that's how I'd feel - unloved and unwanted.  Are our men so different?

Girls, your guy is wired for sex as enjoyment.  Sex is his stress reliever.  And, most importantly, sex is how he communicates his need for you.

Within a year of our marriage it was in trouble.  Deep trouble.  Sinking fast and both of us were too young and, more importantly, out of God's will, to know how to save it.

My knight in shining armor was battling inner demons that appeared to be winning.  My answer - none for you tonight, buddy.  Here's your pillow and blanket and there's the sofa - better yet, there's the road.  I had unrealistic expectations about marriage and had placed a burden on my husband - the burden of my happiness.  I was selfish, I was no good to him, and I did not understand and did not try to.  He was letting me down and that was all I cared about.

I withheld sex.  I might as well have withheld his oxygen. I had a plan.  It did not work.  My twisted idea that he would give me what I wanted if I withheld what he wanted proved itself warped.  For years.  Years that he and I can never get back. 

Women want a healthy, happy, and fullfilling relationship. 

Men want an active sex life.  They have desires, just like us.  Just different desires.  They are not from a different planet - but withhold sex and they feel we do not love them.  They become unhealthy, unhappy, and unfullfilled.  And so do we. 

But, like I said, withholding isn't always mean-spirited.  Yes, it's reasonable that we are tired, have mommy stuff on the brain (and good mommys don't lust? yeah right, we'll talk about that one), warm up slowly, and have physical problems. 

We're also gonna talk about men wanting not only frequent sex, but passionate sex.  What exactly is hot sex?

Deciding to improve your sex life is not just another burden or add-on to your already full to-do list.  It's marriage salvation.  It's biblical and was created to be enjoyed. 

"Kiss me - full on the mouth!  Yes!  For your love is better than wine, headier than your aromatic oils.  The syllables of your name murmur like a meadow brook."  Song of Solomon 1:1-3

That's the woman talking to her man.  Sex is a good thing and our bodies are wired to enjoy it also - when we turn our minds off.  So - enjoy it.  Unlock its potential in your marriage. If it is broken it is time to fix it.  If it is not, then celebrate it.

See 'ya next Saturday.  In the meantime, don't withhold.  See what happens.  

To read more, click on the label below.


Donna said...

Brave, Brave, Brave, Brave, Brave and did I mention Brave! You go girl! You've got guts! And AMEN! Well said and well thought out!

Jennifer said...

I agree with Donna ... I just wasn't brave enough to be the first one to comment!

You've definitely given me food for thought, on more than one level. I have been struggling with some issues I'd like to post about and you may have just given me the push I need to step out and be brave!

Thanks for being willing to be honest about a tough issue.

rutledgeramblings said...

I commend you for going out on a limb and speaking the truth! I 100% agree with you! My eyes were opened to this fact about 1 1/2 years ago through reading "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. Amazing book that transformed our marriage. I look forward to "Sex on Saturdays"! Blessings!

Donna said...

Oh yeah! Greg read the post and liked it also!

Penny S. said...

I whole heartedly agree on the book recommendation. Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs is a great book. I don't tend to like many of those marriage books because, well, honestly, I am a strange creature and don't always fit the mold they give. Neither does my hubby. So I begin trying to fit my round marriage into a square book hole. make sense? Anyway, that book as well as 2 others (though not necessarily on marriage) helped me understand my mate more than any other book (other than the B I B L E)--Wild at Heart by John Eldredge and Bringing up Boys by James Dobson. It really is hard for a girl that never had brothers to understand boys, I think. And after all, they really are still boys at heart, just like we really are still little girls at heart. that's all my soap box for today.

Jennifer @ GettingDownWithJesus.com said...

I got a kick out of Donna's second comment. :)

Intimacy is nothing to be ashamed of. Good for you, creating a safe place to talk about it.

Kelli Woodford said...

Truly helpful. Thanks for tackling such an intimidating subject. (And thanks for linking up at Getting Down With Jesus -- that's how I found you.)
Blessings on your blog . . . and your bedroom.

Drawing of me losing my cool courtesy of budding artist, Izzy.

Have a dressed up day!

. . . put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Colossians 3:12