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Saturday, January 16, 2010

Sex on Saturdays - Tell Him

Sex on Saturdays - Let's Talk
Sex on Saturdays - Ladies, Don't Withhold

Before we start this week's, let's clear something up from last week.  When I posted last week I asked He's Too Good To Me to read it and give some insight. 

Later that night while lying in bed after some sweet sex on Saturday (I highly recommend it), I was able to pry more info out of him. He is never sleepy afterwards and will talk more intimately with me then. He again agreed with what I had written - but then there was a "but. . ."

Yes, he explained, men feel empowered with frequent sex.  Six months without sex within marriage would unravel him.  But then came the but . . .

He would rather endure no sex than sex with me if I was only doing it to empower him to be a better man.  This had never entered my mind, that he thought like this.  He continued - sex is love, and even though it makes him better in life, just as I wrote about here, he informed me any real man wants love with his sex.  Then my husband made his next comment, and it's a biggie, it went something like this - a man needs to know his woman is enjoying herself.  This is when sex becomes making love.

That's a big but. Ladies, your husband wants you to enjoy yourself.  Remember last week when I said we'd talk about what is hot sex to a man? Top of the list - knowing their wife is enjoying herself.  That's hot to him. That turns him on and makes him try even harder - which is good, because . . .

Most of the responsibility of a woman enjoying herself sexually falls upon the man.  But like a lot of things in a woman's life, we make the first move and take the first step and make sure what should happen is happening.  What does this mean?  It means the next big step - communication. 

If your sex life is lacking then it's past time to communicate. This is not easy. Almost guaranteed is embarrassment and worse, hurt feelings. But it's still a necessary step.

If you are not enjoying sex - why?  There are the physical reasons and I'm not a doctor and really cannot address those here.  But I have experienced them.  At that time in my life these reasons became my excuses to withhold.

My physical problems were due to a common complaint after pregnancy which leads to a lack of desire.  This happened after all four of my pregnancies.  I had no sex drive.  Luckily, after watching my husband become increasingly restless and realizing the importance of sex in my marriage, I took the steps to fix it.  All we needed was my effort to ask my doctor some questions and take her advice.  Ladies, please make the effort. 

If it is a true physical problem and we don't try to fix it, our reason has then become an excuseReasons become excuses when we are selfish and won't make the effort to solve the problem. Then we are in the wrong. Ouch. What follows is resentment that can grow and grow until a small fixable issue has become the downfall of your relationship.

But sometimes you are desperately in love with your husband but you are just simply not enjoying yourself and you do not want to do it again - thus, no sex drive.  In regards to sex, this has never been an issue in our marriage, but I know women who struggle with this.  Your husband is not trying or does not know how to please you -but you can help fix this.  Talk to him.

Divorce hovered over my marriage; papers were filed and the only thing missing was one signature. He's Too Good To Me's tenacity, me teaching him what I needed from him emotionally in the issues that were pulling us apart, and learning to understand him is what saved our marriage.  In desperation we finally communicated. 

You must teach your husband what you want.  Going straight from bed to between our legs is a big no-no.  Most men know this, but remember, they are not thinking with their brains at this point, so have you told or reminded him lately?  Work together.  Light a candle, read a how-to book (I'm not kidding), experiment, laugh.  Gently express with words how you want him to tenderly kiss you and touch you and speak to you until you become aroused, for however long that takes.

"Your lips are like a scarlet thread, and your mouth is lovely . . .
Your neck is like the tower of David built with rows of stones. . .
Your two breasts are like two fawns,
twins of a gazelle which feed among the lilies.

You will not arouse or awaken my love until she pleases." - Song of Soloman

And guess what?  Before you know it you'll be back into the hang of sex and all will be well.  You'll even want a quickie sometimes and won't need all that attention.  But when you do need it he will know what to do.

This very real physical problem of no sex drive can also be caused by mental or emotional issues and all of this sounds good unless you are in that place.  You are so hurt and angered by your husband for whatever reason that sex is no longer in the picture.  You are done, you are finished, the idea of making love to him causes you to cringe.  I have been there.  But I know from experience and two seperations that there is always hope.   I am praying for you, personally, whoever you are.

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12

So, all this past week we worked to stop withholding.  This week, as we continue to work on that, let's add communication.  Tell him what you want to experience in bed.  Tell him how you want him to make love to you.  Go ahead, do it.  Blushing is allowed.

Leave a comment - we could all use them.  They can be anonymous, or I can make them anonymous if you'd like.

2 comments:

Greg and Donna said...

My Greg wants to know if you have to pressure can Kentucky Jelly or just water bath can it? You are getting braver and braver! I will say that my 2nd marriage is a whole lot different and better than the first and alot of it is my attitude!

Jennifer said...

I have experienced the truth of this post, but that doesn't really make the reality of it any easier. Can't wait to see what the next topic is!

Drawing of me losing my cool courtesy of budding artist, Izzy.


Have a dressed up day!


. . . put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Colossians 3:12